I recently went on a ‘mommy strike’ and have been sharing my experiences about it in a ‘logbook’ type fashion on Facebook. Much to my surprise, the response has been overwhelming and I have been asked to share it more publicly. So here it is…my very own blog.
Please feel free to share:) I have a feeling I am not the only crazy working mother out there!!
Monday, 31 December 2012
911…What is your emergency?
There has been a
murder. Please send help stat! Lights and sirens. Starting CPR now. Never mind,
it’s too late.
The plant is dead.
If you are not
familiar of my history with plants, all you need to know is I kill them. I have
told you all about my incessant need to take care of things and my need to
nurture; and my failures with anything from the plant family.
Well, I have killed
the plant that has graced the corner of my kitchen for 10 years. It was time.
She was pathetic and I was done trying. I can no longer pretend to be someone
I am not. It was all a facade people.
It was a peaceful plantanasia.
No it wasn’t, she was suffering for 10 years
I said a few kind
words about her as I took her into the garage for her final moments. I thanked
her for all her hard work at photosynthesis and her oxygen. I may cremate her
and spread her ashes at the mall. That’s what she would have wanted.
Dylan asked me if
she had a name. She did, but I couldn’t remember it. Great, I forgot to water her AND I forgot her name. I didn’t deserve
In her spot there is
a giant new wooden giraffe. The giraffe does not replace the plant; rather he
fills a hole, both in my heart and in the corner of the kitchen. Literarily, there
was an empty space in my décor. It was tacky. Ok, maybe the giraffe did replace
her after all.
He doesn’t require
water or food, so he should fare well here.
I had to tell Dylan
it wasn’t my fault, he followed me home. I was shopping and he just kept
staring at me with those lonely eyes. I swear they were following me around the
store…it was pathetic, creepy and awkward all at once.
Plus, he was on
sale. It was like being at the wooden animal shelter and he had a sign on him
“24 hours to live”.
I saved him!!
The sales lady
asked if I wanted a new one in a box. Umm, no!! I had bonded with THIS giraffe.
I stroked his long beautiful neck and saw where others had examined him, left their
marks of unwantedness and I chose him.
Rather he chose me.
Then I thought,
what the hell lady? You go let those giraffes out of those boxes in the
backroom. They are probably suffocating. Asshole!!
As the sales lady
was looking at me all judgy, I stared into his eyes and told him it was ok. He had
his forever home and he was safe from the monsters in their deceiving little
Pier One aprons.
I felt bad that I had to
put a bag over his head to get him in the car. I made the girls hold the
plastic open to ensure he had enough air. He had just been through so much
He now sits in the
kitchen corner where the plant once stood. Life and death represented in one
Plus he wore a
Santa hat for Christmas and that’s fricken awesome.
The giraffes name
Most of you know why.
For those of you that don’t; The Today Show called my husband Dylan ‘Danny’ on live TV. I took everything in me
not to pee my pants laughing on national television.
Dylan was referred
to as ‘Danny’ by a lot of people around here for a while.
As I was chatting with staring at Danny the giraffe last night, I began thinking about New Years Resolutions. Danny
makes me want to be a better person.
not buy any more plants. I will stop trying and I will accept my plant killing
soul as a part of me.
drink less red wine.
drink more white wine.
not rescue anymore large wooden animals. Unless it’s a T-Rex. Then all bets are
While chatting about resolutions, Dylan suggested ‘Danny’
and I should have lot more sex in 2013.
I called him a pervert. That’s offside man, what kind of
girl do you think I am?
Danny looked traumatized, and I didn’t blame him. I covered
his ears and gave him a hug.
I have now created a therapy pot for the giraffe. Way to go
Dylan. That smart-ass comment just costs us like 4 bottle of wine a week.
Wishing a happy and safe New Year to you and your family, from my family
Danny is gonna own 2013!!! I can feel it!
PS…You should click the Facebook button to your right. It’s
what all the cool kids are doing. I’m here to help ensure your ‘coolness’.