Monday, 31 December 2012

911…What is your emergency?


There has been a murder. Please send help stat! Lights and sirens. Starting CPR now. Never mind, it’s too late.
The plant is dead.

If you are not familiar of my history with plants, all you need to know is I kill them. I have told you all about my incessant need to take care of things and my need to nurture; and my failures with anything from the plant family.
Well, I have killed the plant that has graced the corner of my kitchen for 10 years. It was time. She was pathetic and I was done trying. I can no longer pretend to be someone I am not. It was all a facade people.
It was a peaceful plantanasia. No it wasn’t, she was suffering for 10 years

I said a few kind words about her as I took her into the garage for her final moments. I thanked her for all her hard work at photosynthesis and her oxygen. I may cremate her and spread her ashes at the mall. That’s what she would have wanted.
Dylan asked me if she had a name. She did, but I couldn’t remember it. Great, I forgot to water her AND I forgot her name. I didn’t deserve her love.

In her spot there is a giant new wooden giraffe. The giraffe does not replace the plant; rather he fills a hole, both in my heart and in the corner of the kitchen. Literarily, there was an empty space in my décor. It was tacky. Ok, maybe the giraffe did replace her after all.

He doesn’t require water or food, so he should fare well here.
I had to tell Dylan it wasn’t my fault, he followed me home. I was shopping and he just kept staring at me with those lonely eyes. I swear they were following me around the store…it was pathetic, creepy and awkward all at once.
Plus, he was on sale. It was like being at the wooden animal shelter and he had a sign on him “24 hours to live”.
I saved him!!

The sales lady asked if I wanted a new one in a box. Umm, no!! I had bonded with THIS giraffe. I stroked his long beautiful neck and saw where others had examined him, left their marks of unwantedness and I chose him. 
Rather he chose me.
Then I thought, what the hell lady? You go let those giraffes out of those boxes in the backroom. They are probably suffocating. Asshole!!

As the sales lady was looking at me all judgy, I stared into his eyes and told him it was ok. He had his forever home and he was safe from the monsters in their deceiving little Pier One aprons.

I felt bad that I had to put a bag over his head to get him in the car. I made the girls hold the plastic open to ensure he had enough air. He had just been through so much already.

He now sits in the kitchen corner where the plant once stood. Life and death represented in one small corner.

Plus he wore a Santa hat for Christmas and that’s fricken awesome.

The giraffes name is Danny.
Most of you know why. For those of you that don’t; The Today Show called my husband Dylan  ‘Danny’ on live TV. I took everything in me not to pee my pants laughing on national television.
Dylan was referred to as ‘Danny’ by a lot of people around here for a while.

As I was chatting with staring at Danny the giraffe last night, I began thinking about New Years Resolutions. Danny makes me want to be a better person.

1)   I will not buy any more plants. I will stop trying and I will accept my plant killing soul as a part of me.
2)   I will drink less red wine.
3)   I will drink more white wine.
4)   I will not rescue anymore large wooden animals. Unless it’s a T-Rex. Then all bets are off.

While chatting about resolutions, Dylan suggested ‘Danny’ and I should have lot more sex in 2013.
I called him a pervert. That’s offside man, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Danny looked traumatized, and I didn’t blame him. I covered his ears and gave him a hug.
I have now created a therapy pot for the giraffe. Way to go Dylan. That smart-ass comment just costs us like 4 bottle of wine a week.
Poor Danny.

Wishing a happy and safe New Year to you and your family, from my family and Danny!!
Danny is gonna own 2013!!! I can feel it!

xoJ

PS…You should click the Facebook button to your right. It’s what all the cool kids are doing. I’m here to help ensure your ‘coolness’.
Your welcome.

R.I.P
Welcome Home Danny. Welcome Home.


15 comments:

  1. Just in case you are wondering- plant killing is totally the "in thing"... that is what I have been saying for years. Okay it's what I tell myself anyway. My husband, God love that man, brings home those beautiful red, white, (and why I don't know) pink pointsettas every year, and then tells me as if I didn't know- "if you don't water them- they die." They got thrown out Saturday... whatever! Who "grows" those things all year anyway? Just stupid! Besides, there are super pretty flowers that come out to replace them (that I'll be killing) anyway! But either way, replacing with a giraffe- always a good call!
    Check out http://aubrissparetime.blogspot.com/ for lots of insight! HA!

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  2. Hmm, I though you were suppose to throw out poinsettias after Christmas? They are an all year thing? Look at me learning new things. But I would kill it before Christmas.
    J

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  3. Seriously! Who knew? I laugh every year when the guy tells me there are directions on them. For WHAT? People (my neighbor "Martha") actually put them in a shed and bring them out next year with that nasty "Ta-Da" in their tone... yeah, sorry about the dog poo in your back yard... I have no idea how it got over my block wall fence again! I know... evil, just evil... Poor Martha!

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    Replies
    1. If you (ahem...I mean whoever is chucking the dog crap over the fence) ever needs extra, just let me know:)
      J

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  4. Poor nameless plant, you will be missed I'm sure ... Or at least you were until an adorable giraffe took your place.

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    Replies
    1. I know right?? I haven't even thought about the plant. Oh, I just did. Meh...

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  5. At least it was a mercy killing, Jessica!
    Its nice to see The Today Show isn't cutting any corners on their research staff budget....

    All the best to you and Dann-, I mean DYLAN - and the kids in the new year!

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    Replies
    1. Funny..they introduced him as Dylan, but then kept referring to him as Danny?? Then they kept mentioning he was playing golf. Poor guy...people at work just won't let up on him.
      Happy New Year from all of us..including Danny!
      J

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  6. Welcome to the 'Black Thumb Conspiracy' club. My child has banned me from buying ANYTHING that grows . . . and I concur since I was starting to feel like a serial killer. I could even kill a silk plant. Although come summer, I have a magical way with dandelions and thistles in the lawn. They grow like mad . . .

    Have a great new years. . .

    Elizabeth

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    Replies
    1. I LOVE that I am part of the club!!! I too have a special talent with growing weeds...I think my neighbours are jealous.

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  7. Too funny. I'm a plant killer too. I did have 4 plants that I just couldn't kill, that was until the day our movers came to pack us up to move Japan. I begged and pleaded with them to pack the plants. They kept telling me. "ma'am, they will die during transport. They will need to be watered." I kindly told them, "oh, they've had their water for the next 6 mos. And light, they will be ok, I promise. I've done everything possible to these and they will not die." LOL

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    Replies
    1. Funny..I thought you only had to water them twice a year? Hmmmmm.

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  8. The plant didn't feel a thing. I promise.

    Tim

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  9. I try to stay very far away from plants, I seem to have a black thumb.

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