Thursday, 13 December 2012

I Would Rather.....

I am super sports mom. I have spent hours in gyms coaching or sitting on cold hard bleachers. They will remember my passion for each of their chosen sports. Hell, I've even taken technical fouls as a Coach and been asked to leave the gym/field as a parent spectator. Apparently there is a fine line between "cheering" and “suggesting” to the referee how to do his job. Who knew?

But I am the worst band mom EVER!! 
Hate would be too soft a word for how I feel about sitting through Christmas Band Concerts.
I would rather dig my own eyeballs out with a teaspoon.
I would rather go on strike again.
I would rather dance naked covered in honey while waving a stick under a beehive like a piƱata.
I would rather pour a full glass of red wine down the sink. HA!!.What are the odds? That’s just silly talk y’all.
You get the idea.
As far as I am concerned I have paid my dues sitting watching other people’s children for three hours in a hot crowded gym just for a two minute glimpse of my own offspring playing an instrument that I can’t stand, to music I can’t decipher. By my count from pre-school to present time, I have attended 18 Christmas concerts. Just give me my gold star for parenting already and lets move on.

Tonight was the basement trolls band concert. This was the conversation in the car on the drive home from school before the concert.

Me: Do you have to show up tonight?
Them: Yes mom, we committed.
Me: What would happen if you just didn’t go?
Them: We would get a fail on our school pride mark.
Me: So? And? That's it?
Them: Mom, we can't fail. We are part of the band and have to go. It’s about showing pride in our school spirit. (Damn responsible children. Who on earth taught them that?)
Me: I wouldn’t get mad at you for that mark on your report card. Pinky promise.
Them: Plus mom, we can’t go to the Christmas Dance if we don't show up. (Ahhh, now that’s more like it my ladies)
Me: What if you are… sick?
Them: Mom, we were just at school perfectly healthy all day.
Me: Right. Damn. What if we all caught the worst surprise stomach flu ever? Ohhh like Ebola? Yes, we all officially have Ebola.
Them: Mom we have to go.
Me: Whatever.

The school’s music teacher is one of the loveliest teachers I've met. She has passion for children, music and education that I bow down too. I would suck ass as a teacher. Not only do I not like other people's children all that much, but the thought of being surrounded by so many of them at once and then purposefully putting noise makers in their hands all day long makes me want to vomit. She deserves a freaking gold medal and extra jewels on her crown.

Mrs. Stearn it's not you. It's me. By me, I mean the band and the instruments and the gym full of parents and the fact I need to take my shoes off like a four year old at the door to watch said performance. My socks weren't matching and that was embarrassing. Plus I think it’s freaking conspiracy theory that my children are always the last act. No matter what grade, school or function, they are always last. It's like the band gods hate me and force me to stay until the very end. What the hell have I ever done to you band concert gods? Never mind, don't answer that.

I watched longingly as more than one parent hauled a screaming toddler out of the gym in a panicked hurry. I locked eyes with one kicking child and whispered...”I know it's painful right?” Lucky bastard winked at me as he escaped the gym and gave me a ‘in your face sucker’ thumbs up.  
I felt jealous. Not jealous that I didn’t own a screaming two year old, but that he had thought of it first. How could I possible kick and scream for a forced exit now that he already played that card? Asshole.

A *twoonie bar should be mandatory at ALL school functions. They would make a frickin’ fortune.  That's my idea of successful, stress-free fundraising…just sayin’.

Umm…there was no cell phone reception in the gym!!  Are you kidding me?  I couldn't even check Facebook or Twitter. It was torture. Social-media-band-concert torture with background music of twelve years old playing tubas and clarinets.  Uh, that’s actually double torture. I may sue for undue pain and suffering.

I didn’t bring a camera. I felt a little inadequate watching the other parents set up their personal production studios that would make Hollywood jealous. I held my phone in the air, aimed it toward the stage and hoped for the best.

On the upside, Dylan passed like six levels on a card game app and I did find the two hours a very opportune time to tap out this blog on my phone. All whilst humming along to 'Hark the Heralds Angels Sing'…well, at least I think that’s what the song was.

Next week is grade five hand bells...I’m bringing a to-go cup. Fa la la la la, la FML!

Disclaimer: It's just my honest opinion. Remember, no judging allowed. I admit, they sounded pretty good. If I am ever forced at gun point to sit through another concert, I would totally choose this one again. Well done and thank you Mrs. SJ

*Canadian two dollar coin eh.


  1. OH that is funny. When our girls were in utero I said a silent prayer that they would have my nose, Brad's metabolism and no desire to play in the band. EVER. And if you need a rowdy toddler to bail you out of the handbells next week, LC or Whit are available. Just sayin.

    1. I'm totally gonna borrow LC and Whit. Tell them I will buy them ice cream if they throw in a screech with some kicking.
      Have them ready for 6:30 please:)

  2. I've paid my dues at karate tournaments and piano recitals, both of which are pretty entertaining - to a point. But school functions are great for the liquor and flask industries... Of course, I don't drink, so I was basically screwed for years!

    Thankfully, we're past all that now.... Good luck to you, though, Jessica! Hilarious post, by the way!

    1. Again..thanks.
      I shudder at the sound of a metronome....all those years of forced piano practices growing up saved my children from any sort of music lessons.
      Karate that would be fun!

  3. My girlfriend just sent me this link. She thinks I sound just like you, and after reading this entry, I totally agree! My daughter's elementary school went to 'every other grade/every other year' Christmas concerts a few years ago. I panicked the other day and asked her, "Are you in the Christmas concert this year?" She sighed sadly and said, "No. I was last year, remember?" ...ummm, no, post traumatic amnesia must have kicked in... "Thank Freakin' Christ!" I announced loudly. My husband glared, my daughter frowned and walked away, and I poured myself a glass of wine in celebration! Merry Christmas to me!

    1. Last year..I didn't go to my youngest's concert. Mommy was ever so sick...:) This getting around it. I am jealous of your every other year. Really jealous.
      Just wait till you hear how I feel about birthday parties:)
      Worst mother EVER!!
      Merry Christmas to you indeed!

  4. This totally made me laugh, as have all of your posts that I have read so far. I have a degree in piano performance and once had a friend (who was getting her bachelors at the time) ask if I wanted to attend a violin concert at her local college. I agreed since I needed credit at the time for attending performances. When we got there, it was A KIDS VIOLIN RECITAL. WORST PAIN IN THE WORLD. A bunch of kids were playing fast songs and I was thinking, they can't even hit a damn note without screeching, much less so many in such a short time! The only plus side was it was over faster. Needless to say, I don't think I could ever let my kids play the violin! Not unless I can afford to get them a sound proofed practice room! ;) All that to say, I feel your pain.