Dear Santa

I have been introduced to a whole new world of blogging!! It’s amazing and sucks my time away. There are some very talented blogging peeps out there!

One mama blogger who writes Mom of the Year recently featured guest bloggers who are writing letters to Santa about what moms really want for Christmas. To say I snorted red wine at more than a few of them would be an understatement.

Her guest bloggers are like the ‘whose who’ of the mommy blogging world, so while I don’t expect my blogging invite to come in the mail anytime soon, she has had me thinking A LOT about what I would ask Santa for. So here goes.

Dear Santa,

I know you are busy and all taking credit for everything, but this year I have been really good. Well, maybe not all year but this week for sure. Ok, I was good today so let’s focus on that. I think the term ‘good’ is a bit ambiguous anyway. Is it your definition or mine? Let’s just split it down the middle and make both of us happy. Deal?

I don’t want to sound greedy but can we start with having my kids flush the toilet. Ok, I know this may not be environmentally responsible for water use, but can we at least aim for “If it’s brown, flush it down?” 

While we are fulfilling wishes in the shitter, can you please bring me an elf to replace the empty toilet paper role? I know this task is very complicated, so please ensure it’s one of your smarter elves.

An elf with a vagina will probably be your best bet.

Perhaps further narrow your search to those Elves with Masters Degrees or Doctorates on their resume, as I’m convinced that’s the level of knowledge base required for the job. I’m hoping the one you send me will also be able to handle ice cube trays and clothes hangers.

Christmas is just such a magical time isn’t it?

Moving right along, can you do something about the missing socks, sports jerseys and library books? If that’s too much to ask, can you just leave me a set of clues or a treasure map as to where these items hide out to party together? I always enjoy a good party so I don't want to miss out. I'll even bring the booze.

I would also like a sound proof partition in my car to block out the incessant fighting and a meal that everyone approves of on the same night. Can you also place a little magic dust on the girls so that whenever anyone rolls their eyes at me, they spontaneously shout out at the top of their lungs “I LOVE MY MOM!!!” no matter where we are?

Sorta like Christmas Hypnotism.

I will be testing this one out at the mall on Boxing Day.

Oooh I’m on a roll now. Can you make Dylan stop snoring or at least bring me a long sticky pokey thingy that will reach across the king size bed so I don’t have to flail my arms and legs in an effort to have my kicking make contact? It wakes me up, so if I can’t have a stabbing device then I respectfully ask for a nap instead.

Am I pushing my luck? Oh well…

Since you are ‘watching’ me all the time anyway, you no doubt are fully aware of the three suitcases that have been sitting at the top of my stairs for the last 5 weeks.  I know, I know, I don’t understand it either. I even moved them to where people that live here actually have to step over them to walk, but I fear I’ve just created a fun obstacle course? I’m not sure if you have time to watch TV, but I feel like I am living in an episode of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’. Not as funny in real life, trust me.

Anywhooo, can I get you to put those away for me on your way downstairs when you stop by on Christmas Eve.

I assure you they will still be there.

A big strong burly man such as yourself should have no trouble managing them all in one trip. Oh and on your way down, can you grab the bags of moldy towels and swimsuits that the girls have left on the bannister since their swimming night three weeks ago? At this point I don’t really care what you do with those, but if you take them with you please take my advice and place them downwind at the back of the sleigh.

Rudolph will thank you.

Ok, this next one may seem excessive, but I haven’t asked you for a thing in like 27 years. Can I get one machine that collects all dirty clothes then washes, dries, fold and puts them away. You’re a smart man I’m sure you can figure something out, if in doubt just ask the Mrs.

To finish off, can you pretty please suck away about 15 pounds of the fat that has mysteriously accumulated on my ass and thighs, remove the grey hair growing like wiry pubes out of the top of my head and leave a little something to take care of this phenomenon called gravity. No biggy right?

If you can’t provide any of these meager requests or deem I am not worthy, please just substitute each and every item on my list with a bottle of wine.

By my count that will be 18 bottles of wine to add up for each of my Christmas wishes.

Yup, 18 bottles and we can call it even.

Sincerely,

Jessica