Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Dear Santa

I have been introduced to a whole new world of blogging!! It’s amazing and sucks my time away. There are some very talented blogging peeps out there!

One mama blogger who writes Mom of the Year recently featured guest bloggers who are writing letters to Santa about what moms really want for Christmas. To say I snorted red wine at more than a few of them would be an understatement.
Her guest bloggers are like the ‘whose who’ of the mommy blogging world, so while I don’t expect my blogging invite to come in the mail anytime soon, she has had me thinking A LOT about what I would ask Santa for. So here goes.

Dear Santa,
I know you are busy and all taking credit for everything, but this year I have been really good. Well, maybe not all year but this week for sure. Ok, I was good today so let’s focus on that. I think the term ‘good’ is a bit ambiguous anyway. Is it your definition or mine? Let’s just split it down the middle and make both of us happy. Deal?

I don’t want to sound greedy but can we start with having my kids flush the toilet. Ok, I know this may not be environmentally responsible for water use, but can we at least aim for “If it’s brown, flush it down?” 
While we are fulfilling wishes in the shitter, can you please bring me an elf to replace the empty toilet paper role? I know this task is very complicated, so please ensure it’s one of your smarter elves.
An elf with a vagina will probably be your best bet.
Perhaps further narrow your search to those Elves with Masters Degrees or Doctorates on their resume, as I’m convinced that’s the level of knowledge base required for the job. I’m hoping the one you send me will also be able to handle ice cube trays and clothes hangers.
Christmas is just such a magical time isn’t it?

Moving right along, can you do something about the missing socks, sports jerseys and library books? If that’s too much to ask, can you just leave me a set of clues or a treasure map as to where these items hide out to party together? I always enjoy a good party so I don't want to miss out. I'll even bring the booze.

I would also like a sound proof partition in my car to block out the incessant fighting and a meal that everyone approves of on the same night. Can you also place a little magic dust on the girls so that whenever anyone rolls their eyes at me, they spontaneously shout out at the top of their lungs “I LOVE MY MOM!!!” no matter where we are?
Sorta like Christmas Hypnotism.
I will be testing this one out at the mall on Boxing Day.

Oooh I’m on a roll now. Can you make Dylan stop snoring or at least bring me a long sticky pokey thingy that will reach across the king size bed so I don’t have to flail my arms and legs in an effort to have my kicking make contact? It wakes me up, so if I can’t have a stabbing device then I respectfully ask for a nap instead.

Am I pushing my luck? Oh well…

Since you are ‘watching’ me all the time anyway, you no doubt are fully aware of the three suitcases that have been sitting at the top of my stairs for the last 5 weeks.  I know, I know, I don’t understand it either. I even moved them to where people that live here actually have to step over them to walk, but I fear I’ve just created a fun obstacle course? I’m not sure if you have time to watch TV, but I feel like I am living in an episode of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’. Not as funny in real life, trust me.
Anywhooo, can I get you to put those away for me on your way downstairs when you stop by on Christmas Eve.
I assure you they will still be there.
A big strong burly man such as yourself should have no trouble managing them all in one trip. Oh and on your way down, can you grab the bags of moldy towels and swimsuits that the girls have left on the bannister since their swimming night three weeks ago? At this point I don’t really care what you do with those, but if you take them with you please take my advice and place them downwind at the back of the sleigh.
Rudolph will thank you.

Ok, this next one may seem excessive, but I haven’t asked you for a thing in like 27 years. Can I get one machine that collects all dirty clothes then washes, dries, fold and puts them away. You’re a smart man I’m sure you can figure something out, if in doubt just ask the Mrs.

To finish off, can you pretty please suck away about 15 pounds of the fat that has mysteriously accumulated on my ass and thighs, remove the grey hair growing like wiry pubes out of the top of my head and leave a little something to take care of this phenomenon called gravity. No biggy right?

If you can’t provide any of these meager requests or deem I am not worthy, please just substitute each and every item on my list with a bottle of wine.
By my count that will be 18 bottles of wine to add up for each of my Christmas wishes.

Yup, 18 bottles and we can call it even.



  1. Love it Jess. I had Ellen on in the background today and something caught my eye and made me think of you, she was showing some great new products and one featured was a wine glass called the "XL"... One glass that fits a whole bottle of wine. Thought you deserved one. :) hope Santa spoils you rotten...or at least miraculously disposes of those swimsuits on garbage day.

    1. Now added to my wish list...one XL wine glass!

  2. I have totally officially added you to my "top" favorite "check these out" blog lists on both my blogs! I'm just wondering if I need to put a disclaimer- "might not want to read while consuming food or drink to prevent messes you will have to clean-up" after all who else cleans up??
    Hope Santa takes care of the whole list for you.

    1. Don't put a disclaimer..way more fun if the readers spit wine by surprise:)

  3. Replies
    1. Je vous remercie! Joyeux Noël à toi et toute ta famille, deux et quatre pattes les.

  4. I'd like to add a few things to your list... As a fellow mother of 3 daughters, a hair stylist to work pro bono for the year. A Tim Hortons near the soccer dome that offers baileys with their coffee. A voice in my car that thanks me every single time I drop off a kid at an activity. At that note, add a driver, that would be better. That way I can drink wine while at swimming lessons and have a safe ride home. And lastly, a classy to go mug, that hides the look and smell of wine, but still keeps it's warm soothing flavor.
    ps, I have been very good this year;)

    1. Bailey's at the soccer dome...brilliant.
      Sometimes I say "thank you" for them when they get out of the car...kinda like your talking mittens.

  5. Tara's reply above killed me! I would ask Santa for three things... a magical device that when My three year old decides to get out of bed in the middle of the night (one of the nine times) ... before she can crawl out of her bed to come and let me know that she is awake and therefor i should be too.... before that happens i need a magical device that prevents her eyelids from opening... therefor unable to get out of bed... thus she would fall back asleep and I am none the wiser! (imagine a full night of sleep!) Second.... I would wish for a face cream that actually removes the wrinkles... REMOVES THEM - can you imagine... every time a new one comes to the surface - just slap on some cream and PRESTO... 21 all over again... Lastly I would ask for some sort of a potion that i could drink that would knock me out (therefore getting some beauty rest) and miraculously at the same time my comotose body would just hop on the treadmill and run for an hour or two... therefor taking care of this extra 15 lbs that seems to have accumulated right on my muffin top! I don't think it's too much to ask? xoxo

    1. Magic fat potion..get on it would ya Santa! I think its a very reasonable request.

  6. At least you're being realistic with your Wish List, Jessica! I hope Santa gives you everything you want an deserve this year. Although I'm not so sure he can manage to safely deliver 18 bottles of wine, especially if it doesn't need to be chilled..

    One last thing: if you or Dylan aren't willing to touch those swimsuits, I doubt the Jolly Fat Man is going to be that brave. After all, he has usually uses the elves to do the dirty work...

    Be well, Jessica.

  7. I think if he can fill a sleigh and sack with all those toys, he can totally handle the wine?
    I was thinking about blogging about the swimsuits...but alas, I don't think it's as captivating as the Strike. It's more like my own silent swimsuit standoff. Oh wait..not so silent anymore is it?
    Cheers Hook!

  8. Swimsuits - put on a pair of rubber gloves, remove swimsuit & towel from banister and return to owner's bed, preferably arranged prettily on the pillow, for added effect you could add some tinsel, after all it's Xmas. Make sure to leave plenty of time to infuse. (Act innocent, what smell? Sorry Poppet haven't noticed) Be prepared to replace said pillow

    Love, love your blog (and I'm not even a Mum)
    Cheers Ax

    1. Nothing says Merry Christmas like mouldy swimsuits and some tacky tinsel!! Brilliant idea!!

  9. I just saw this! Sorry to be so late checking in, but crossing fingers that the magic clothes-collecting machine (and all your other brilliant ideas) somehow land under your tree. I'm with you on settling for wine though, if Santa can't fully get his act together...you're hysterical! Thanks for checking in and reading the letters,
    Meredith :)