Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Parenting SOLVED!!

In addition to the three small people that live here, I have a Great Dane. Yup. Just add 175 pounds of extra crazy to my existing crazy.

He is big. His bark is bigger.

Recently, every time he goes in the backyard he is barking all the time…at nothing. Let’s make this clear, it is not a yappy ankle biting bark, it’s a sonic window shaking bark. Wicked. The neighbors should be calling by-law anytime now.

I went to the pet store looking for a solution. It turns out that giant dogs require giant solutions and there was no way in hell I was spending $250 on a barking vibration/citronella collar. So I settled on a $12 solution.
It’s called the ‘Pet Corrector’. 
It's like an air horn, but it hisses. LOUDLY!! Guaranteed results!
Woot Woot! I love me a good deal!

So…it turns out you get what you pay for. The giant barking dog just thinks it’s a game and…freaking barks at it.

Don’t feel sorry for me…turns out it was the best $12 I have ever spent.
Why you ask?
Because it is by far the greatest parenting tool I have in my proverbial “tool box”.

Last night at dinner the kids were fighting. Shocker I know. I went up behind them and laid on that hisser. Fighting over. Pretty sure it scared the shit out of them, but lets focus on the fighting…that stopped! Without a word from me! Voila.

The trolls were complaining about clearing their dishes. One hiss...dishes away. They actually ‘jumped” into action. I admit I may have peed a little I was laughing so hard. 
To be clear, the dishes being cleaned was the magic, not me peeing my pants…that happens all the time.

Bedtime delays? Not a problem here anymore now that mommy’s got the hissing machine. I have never seen anyone run up the stairs so fast in my life. Just as I suspected… you really didn’t need that glass of water after all did ya?
Enough of your bedtime bullshit.

After less than 24 hours, they simply see the red can and comply. Like Pavlov’s dog. Talk about classical conditioning.  Skinner would be so proud of me.

It’s was called “Pet Corrector”.
Not anymore.

Teen Tamer*
The instant solution to all your mommy woes.

I think I need to sew a fanny pack holster for it. That way I could carry it around with me and whip that bad boy out at a seconds notice. Plus, I could still pour wine AND have the Teen Tamer at the ready.

And they said this parenting thing was hard to figure out. Pfft!!
I’m gonna be rich.

*patent pending*...don't steal my ideas! That's just rude manners.

Good idea.

Better idea!
$$$$ Rich I tell ya!! Rich!!

Gratuitous picture of my baby boy! (The dog people, not Dylan)
Thor at 18 months and still growing. 


  1. Love the bedtime bullshit comment. It is the bane of my existence.


    P.S. Looks like your great dane was "growing" in that picture. Tee hee.

    1. It was like an inappropriate great dane lap dance. Awkward.
      He's hung like a ....well, horse.

  2. going out tomorrow and buying. Not for the dane for the teens. Viv

    1. PLease let me know how it goes...i'm laughing already.

  3. OMG...where was that when my kids were young? Perhaps I'd have less gray hair now!

    1. I know right? I'm hoping this will stop anymore from sprouting from the top of my head. Grrrrrrr.

  4. Thanks for the belly-laugh. I needed that. My ribs hurt now!

    1. YEAH!! I must admit, I laughed a lot over this one, so our ribs can hurt together:)

  5. They have a 'Pet Corrector’ for husbands, did you know that, Jessica?
    Its called a mother-in-law and it also hisses loudly...

    Great post! Good luck with the new addition.

    I've been thinking of you over the course of the last few hours; I've been rejected by yet another agent, but although I'm bruised and bloody, I'm not out. Your success, and the way you've adapted to the changes it has brought to your life have inspired me to forge ahead.

    Then again, what else can I do? I love to write and I know people see the value in my work.
    Now all I need to do is convince someone with connections that there is a market for books written by a bellman/starving author who sees the best and worst of humanity every single day.

    Wish me luck, Jessica. I could use it.

    1. Mother in-law hisser...lmao!!
      Robert, I wish I had advice or some miraculous words of wisdom for you but I don't.
      I recently received a email from The Bloggess and she said something to me that has really made an impact. She told me the most important thing to always do, is to write for myself. So when I am questioning what the hell I am doing, or what I am going to write about, I remember her advice. This entire ride may not may not take me anywhere, but her advice sure does help me keep my priorities straight and this new found passion for writing alive and well.
      You have a book..but no agent.
      I have an agent..but no book.
      I know you love to write...so yes, I wish you luck my blogger friend.
      Keep going!!

  6. Okay, so you know those $20. subsonic bark control things . . . the ones that are "as seen on TV". Had NO effect on either dog BUT apparently our mini-humans CAN hear the frequency of the annoying sound. Whenever the dogs barked and set it off, my teen would hold her ears and go "make it stop". So, if the Teen Tamer's usefulness wears off, get one of those (they do have a button you can use to activate rather than waiting for a 'bark') and the best part is our geriatric ears cannot hear the whining noise! Bonus!

    1. I think we may be onto something here.
      Pet stores could have a much bigger customer base...