Saturday, 8 December 2012

12 Days of Hormones

I’m feeling ever so festive. Or maybe just tipsy. Meh, whatever. I’ve decided to share the hottest and newest renditions of a traditional Christmas Carol with you. 
Get yourself a glass of wine, gather around the Yule log and sing a long with me!!

We all know how the ‘original’ song goes...and it is fricken’ long and painful. So in the interest of time and to save us all from drinking three bottles as I write and you read/sing along, I am just going to start with the last verse and work my way backwards. You get it right? This way you will be sober enough to read all the way through.
You’re welcome. Unless you are already drunk. In that case…CHEERS!!!
I will never judge you, I’m good people that way.

Twelve Days of Hormones
On the Twelfth Day of Hormones
My preteens gave to me:
Twelve Mood Swings
Eleven Outfit Changes
Ten Loads of Laundry
Nine Hours of Grounding
Eight Tears for No Reason
Seven Worst Mother Awards
Six Temper Tantrums
Five Slammiiiiiiing Doors
Four Feet a Stomping
Three Siblings Scrapping
Two Rolling Eyes
And a Pic of Mommy Drunk Under the Tree (don’t judge me)

Another version you ask? Ok, if I must. Here is the always-popular variety:

Twelve Days of “What my Preteen SAID to Me”.
On the twelfth day of Hormones
My preteens said to me:
Twelve “You’re ruining my life”s
Eleven “She started it”s
Ten “She’s looking at me”s
Nine “She’s touching me”s
Eight ”I have nothing to wear”s
Seven “Where are my jean”s
Six “It’s not my fault”s
Five “You are SO unfaaaaaaaaaair”s
Four “Worst mom EVER!”s
Three “Just one minute”s
Two “Everyone else is allowed”s
And a  “Mom why are you drinking wine under the tree?”

And my personal favorite, the Twelve days of What I Say to My Preteen.
There is no need to point out that it doesn’t match the tune of the original song…I already know that. I deserve a voice too. Geesh.

On the Twelfth Day of Hormones
I said to my preteen girls in glee:
Twelve "Take that make-up off, it looks trashy. Are you the guest clown in a circus that I don’t know about?”
Eleven “Do you really think you are wearing that out of this house? When did leggings become classified as pants?”
Ten  “Pull your pants up. Crying out loud ladies ‘Hugs…not drugs’.”
Nine “No you still can’t have a phone.”
Eight “No you still can’t have Facebook.”
Seven “Do you really think I care what your friends are allowed to do? I am not their mother. Lucky, lucky you. I am YOUR mother. It’s like you’ve won the freaking parenting lottery isn’t it?”
Six “Watch your tone…or the next time I drop you off at school I will walk you in, holding hands and skipping. All while singing this song at the top of my lungs.”
Five “For the love of all that is good and holy pick the dirty socks and wet towel up off the floor before I snap my biscuits and my head flies off it’s axis.”
Four “Slam your door again and it’s gone. Do it! I dare you! It’s become a sport for me at this point.”
Three “Bring up your laundry or you are never wearing clean clothes again. NEVER, EVER, EVER! You shall stink for the rest of your life and I will laugh and point at you.”
(Crap, now I’m confusing this song with Taylor Swift’s new and highly overplayed latest tune)
Two “If you don’t stop fighting I will tie your arms together and make you sing ‘We are Family’.”
(Double crap! Now I have Taylor and the boyfriend she is never ever getting back together with and ‘I’ve got all my sister and Me’ and this song all mixed up in my head)
One  “Bring mommy a glass of wine under the tree before I cry. Oh, screw it bring me the box. Yes, wine in a box. No judging remember?”

Ok, I know this last one isn’t pure musical genius. Clearly, I’m not going to quit my day job…but I am singing it in my head and trust me, it TOTALLY sounds fantastic.
I’m going all like Christmassy Adele on your ass’s.
It may go platinum. Just sayin’.


  1. Everyone sounds like Barbra Streisand in their head, Jessica! Personally, I do a mean Daryl Hall in my mind, but that's neither here nor there...

    I think these festive creations of yours have potential, though, I could see them catching on. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hearing a hundred different versions of the same tunes every year. Keep this up and you could revolutionize the holidays, young lady!

    Rock on, Jessica - to a festive beat, of course!

    1. I have no idea who Daryl Hall is.
      I shall google immediately.
      Totally rocking on though! Will you buy my album? :)

    2. I'm going to pretend I didn't just read that you don't know who Daryl Hall is...
      And yes, I'll buy your album. Anything for you, Jessica!

    3. Blame my mom:) Music was very censored in my house growing up and as a result I don't really have a passion or ear for the greatest or latest of anything. Dylan is a music aficionado and often cannot believe he is married to someone who can't play 'name that tune' to save her life:)

  2. Your blog is so refreshing... needed a good laugh tonight! No judging here :)

    1. I love that you are not judging. A lot:)
      I also love that you are laughing!

  3. Hahaha! Wish I read this Saturday afternoon when decorating the childrens tacky tree, instead of Monday morning! God how I would have sung, really loud :-)

    Here's my list to Santa for next year:
    A book by the fab Jessica Stilwell

    I wrote next year, so you have plenty of time, no preassure ;-)

    Have a great day Jessica!

  4. LMAO -- I shall share this with my own 14 yr old. I think the secret is she's an only child . . . no one to argue with except the cat so she gave up. She did start out as twins (identicals that 'reduced' to one by 18 weeks), so I get a little clutch in my throat and think "there but for the Grace of Biology go I". Wine on, sister, Wine on!

    1. Even without a sibling... I am sure she rolls her eyes? Please tell me yes.
      Oh I am 'wine'ing on....I hope you are too.

    2. Yes, but thankfully mostly at her other parental units (Dad and OM (aka Other Mom)). I know it's really weird but even with primary custody *I* am the fun parent . . . could be I don't treat her like she's still 6 and ::gasp:: let her go to movies/the mall/Starbucks with her friends unescorted. Her Dad is a sweetheart and I LOVE his wife (he always had exemplary taste in women) but he is a COP and overprotective . . . we will NOT be telling them she has a *date* today with an actual boy because they would have her shipped off to a convent in Switzerland before you could say "double mocha latte".
      Oh, and I hear you on Band concerts . . . did them for 4 years .... this year it is peacefully quiet.

  5. Ha! This is so funny! Love your creativity. I don't have a preteen yet, but imagine I will be singing a similar tune when I do ;) Thanks for linking up with the #MTMmixer.

    1. Thanks for stopping by..again. I must admit I don't understand the mixer thing...please refer to my Social Media Phobia post:)
      I love your "Dear Santa" updates every Monday!! Brilliant.

  6. I love you!!
    I have a three old, so I am working on my version..although the temper trantrums will be the same!
    cheers and blessings

    1. Sadly...I think the three year old temper tantrums are easier:) I want to see your song when its done k?

    2. K. here it is
      on the 12 th day of christmas my 3 yr ld gave to me...
      12 snotty kleenexes
      11 toys thrown
      10 broken ornaments
      9 demands for toys
      8 temper tantrums (had to move that up in #s)
      7 store runs away
      6 torn christmas cards
      5 tiiiimmmme outs
      4 you're not my moms (adopted darlings)
      3 no no no's
      2 hissy fits
      1 new nasty cold!

      merry christmas Jessica!

    3. Brilliant!! My favourite is the snotty kleenex..ending with a new cold. Why always this time of year and why do they have to share it with us??
      Merry Christmas to you as well! Snotty noses and all;)

  7. Jessica,

    I have deligtfully read your blog and it was WONDERFUL! All your words are just as mine are in my head and deffently my pre-teen 12 year old daughter. Its like you are a fly on the wall in my house :). Oh some days of the talking back, rolling eyes, messy room, door slaming, taking fb away are hard to take. But after reading this it gives my a sense of laughter at the situation! No judgement here wine is a wonderful way to debrief at the end of crazy days especially with kids lol. I will continue to enjoy reading what you have to say next. Thanks for the smile on my face. Lindsay

    1. YEAH!!! Misery loves company...and I can recommend a lovely red wine.

  8. Love it! Just found your blog. Reading it as work, shhhh. Very hard not to laugh out loud, but I don't want to get fired.

    My version of "lucky you, you won the parent lottery" is "Sucks that your mom loves you more. You should feel sorry for your friends."

    Keep up the good work and have a glass of wine for me. I'll stick to vodka.