Thursday, 21 March 2013

Belly Buttons and Vaginas


Anyone in a marriage or relationship quickly realizes that Family of Origin plays a very important part in roles, responsibility and functionality of life within that partnership.

When Dylan and I were first married, we attended marriage counseling that included exploration around our family experiences in regards to values and beliefs. Don’t get me wrong, this was very important and I recommend it to anyone to try to figure out some of the ‘big stuff’ before walking down the isle.

But…it’s the everyday shit that you are ON YOUR OWN for to figure out through trial and error.

For example: language around body parts, bodily functions and issues pertaining to sexuality. They should add that to mandatory pre-marriage counseling. That would be beneficial for the real life stuff.
Or simply for comical value for the counseling Pastor. Just sayin’ Pastor Jim...that would have been well worth your timeJ

Please know that I am all for kids being as comfortable with the word penis as they are with the word elbow. When the girls were little and learning body parts, we labeled noses, eyes, belly buttons and vaginas correctly and with equal amount of praise and gusto.
However, you can count me out when it comes to specific anatomy of the lady bits…I’m pretty sure they cover that in grade 5.

In my Family of Origin, in an attempt to appear lady like and classy, we had nicknames for private parts. Like ‘front bum’ or ‘wee wee’ or ‘pee-pee’er’. Pooping was lovingly referred to as a ‘jobie’ and farts were cleverly disguised as a ‘puff’.
I shit you not.
These were the words we used and I thought they were normal. Can you imagine my surprise in college when I excused myself after a puff to go to the washroom for a jobie?

Those words still make me cringe and my kids know it and say them just to see my reaction. Oh what fun. No…not fun. At all.

My Family of Origin was just a wee bit more delicate around wording compared to Dylan’s. When making dinner I still refer to the chicken boob parts as  ‘chicken chests’ and my mom still goes all red and flustered if you say the words menstruation or ovulating.
Trust me it’s funny.
I know this because we say them randomly and repeatedly just to bug her.
Hmm…I wonder where my kids get their assholeness from?
Don’t answer that.

Dylan’s family however, was much more literal.  Don’t get me wrong, I hit the In-Law jackpot. Dylan’s parents are awesome and I am truly blessed to be in their family. They are also a lot ‘different’ than my own family. I truly appreciate this and have learned much from these differences.

I have also made fun of them. Shocker I know.

Don’t worry, they can hold their own and tease me right back. The tricks my father-in-law has played on me are blog worthy.
(Note to self: Write blog about father-in-law)

Dylan refuses to use the word ‘poo’. He goes bat-shit-crazy when he hears a child say, “I have to go poo”. It actually puts him over the edge. It’s hilarious.
Yes…I say it just to see his reaction. Ok, even I am beginning to see a theme here.

In his family it was called a bowel movement.
Seriously.
Close your eyes and imagine a three-year-old saying “Mommy, I need to have a bowel movement”.
Enough said. 

Anatomy was called by the proper terms at all times and farts were never discussed. 
Come on Stilwell's!!! Farts are funny!!

So we compromise. While the girls know correct terms, we do have some family words that I am sure will make the girls cringe when they are grown and parenting their own lovely children.

For example, a bowel movement is called ‘business.’
Why you ask?
After realizing that pooping was an Olympic event similar to the Decathlon for Dylan, I started calling the washroom his office. Hence…he would go to his ‘office’ to attend to his ‘business’. 
Farts were cute little ‘foo-fits’ when the girls were younger. We've grown as a family and farts are just farts now. And yup... still funny.
Vaginas are ‘vajajay’s’ or ‘jays’ (thanks Greys) or ‘woos’. Don’t ask. Just go with it. There is nothing funnier to say than balls or junk. And breasts are boobs or boobies or melons or gazungas. 
Don’t judge me. I never said I was mature.

The compromise part is that Dylan still uses correct terms when in conversation with them. While they were younger this was fine, but Dylan is quickly learning that it is highly embarrassing for 13-year-olds to have a verbal exchange with dear old dad as he throws out these terms. The girls almost died the other night at dinner as he asked one of them to pull up their shirt, as he didn’t care to see their breasts.
Food was spit in horror, milk was snorted as children were successfully embarrassed and just like that dinner was done as high pitched squeaky girls left the table in disgust.

This morning as Dylan was getting them all out the door for school and I was getting ready for work, I heard the usual arm-flapping rant from Dylan about clothing choices.
Tights are NOT pants.
One of them was instructed to “go show your mom and see what she says”. Knowing full well what moms answer would be, said child wisely decided to change rather than face the scrutiny and lecture of moms outfit judgment zone.

The other one sent me this text.

Somewhere between the two of us and the quirky combination from our Family’s of Origin, the girls will sort it all out and then pass their learned dysfunction onto their own children.

And then I will teach my precious future grandchildren what words to say to remind mom of her youth and her amazing parents. The words that can make their mothers recoil on the spot.

I can hardy wait.

Xo J

P.S. I also don't like the following words: slacks, blouse, brassier, stump, soda and cyst. 
So please refrain from ever using the sentence below in conversation with me.

"As she sat on the stump, she put down her soda to straighten her slacks and adjusted her brassier that covered the cyst under her blouse, then let out a puff and realized she needed to have a jobie.





28 comments:

  1. LOL!! I love it!

    Nikki

    PS: I don't like the word 'moist'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh...I totally forgot about that one. I hate that word also.
      Moist stump=mini barf.
      J

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    2. How I Met Your Mother!!

      Delete
  2. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    that is all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. as a youngster, my brother's penis was referred to as a "pogy wogy" (wtf mom?)
    best fart reference: "someone squished a foo foo berry" and "damn those barking spiders!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Umm....pogy wogy??? I have no words.
    Foo Foo Berry...Im dying laughing.
    Barking spiders and floor mallards...
    J

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  5. oh, and I hate the word "ointment"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if the doctor told you to apply the ointment on your moist stump?
      J

      Delete
  6. Jobie! I`m totally gonna use that now, see how long it takes people to catch on haha.

    I just heard the vajajay referred to as a "chooch" on tv the other day. I can`t stop saying it now, I find it to be the funniest thing ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chooch is a good one. Or choochie.
      As far as you using the word 'jobie' now....ummmm, are you on my moms side?
      J

      Delete
  7. Hahahaha this is awesome.
    We refer to the vagina as "bajingo." Cuz I just can't imagine my 2 year old going up to a stranger and saying something about her "vagina." At least with "Bajingo" I can lie. I'm a prude. And I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But now I and thousands of other readers know what 'bajingo' means.
      Time to change your word:)
      J

      Delete
  8. My darling teen was taught the correct words (Thank you "Bare Naked Book"). When she was about 3 we were with friends at a pool in the change room. She very seriously looked at herself and at her friend David and said: "I'm a girl and girls have vaginas; David is a boy and they have penises." His mom and I both burst out laughing . . . Wow. . . we could really embarass them with that now they are both in High School . . . ::evil plotting face::
    Since I grew up in a place that produced adults like many of my friends who still refer to their genitals as "Down There", I wanted my kid to be armed with correct words. Now . . . she uses them to embarass her friends . . . Mommy is SOOOOO proud.

    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When using a public washroom one day, one of my darling daughter announced in her ever so dainty 3 year old voice..."MOM...you've got's a HAIRY vagina.'
      Wicked.
      My girls also use the proper words with fronds and serious conversations.
      So proud.
      J

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    2. or friends..I'm not sure what fronds have to do with this.
      damn you autocorrect...or its the wine.

      Delete
  9. As a nurse I see more of various body parts than I would ever have cared to, and I refer to all universally as "business". For example "let's get you covered up, we don't want everyone seeing your business". I can of course use "proper" medical terms if I have to, but it is a bit uncomfortable for someone who grew up with vaginas being referred to as your "foofoo".

    (and yes, I have actually applied ointment to a moist stump, lol)
    Chrys

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be confusing to me if you were my nurse. Do you think I need to poop or do you mean you need to cover my foofoo?
      My sister is also a nurse..I am not sure there is any other profession that people will get naked for with no questions asked.
      There is not enough money in the world to make me apply ointment to a moist stump.
      Yup...mini barf in my mouth.
      J

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  10. 1. Does stump mean what I think it means?

    2. We used the word privates for the kids, because we felt that would subconsciously teach them to keep their privates to themselves.

    3. I went to make an appt at a new Gyno the last week, and when asked how long since I'd seen one, and replying a couple of years, the receptionist told me that I should have someone check under my hood more often. I'm not going back. I'm not a car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly I was thinking of an amputated digit or limb for "stump", cannot speak for the others though

      Delete
    2. Vroom Vroom.
      Stump..as in tree..or lost limb. Either way...there has to be a better word.
      J

      Delete
  11. At least your home is a place filled with conversations - embarrassing as they may be for your kids - Jessica, too many parents refuse to even attempt to communicate with their kids. If you don't like your kids, figure out why, people!

    Personally, I think you and Dylan are laying the ground work for some epic family lore to be passed down from generation to generation.

    Keep up the good work, guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some people (ahem) were concerned with me blogging about my kids.
      Can you imagine the fodder they will have about dear old mom when they start their own blog?? But by that time I will be blissfully unaware and in a home hitting on a porter:)
      Hook...you comments always go straight to my heart.
      Thank you.
      J

      Delete
  12. Lol, great post. A Jobie?! Now that's a new one! I grew up with two brothers and parents who didn't mind what we called things. The only anatomical euphemism I can think of is doodle for penis. Actually come to think of it we did use the terms number one and number two around our folks.

    Of course around the bros it was "I need to take a dump/crap/shit" and farts galore! On each others heads, in each others faces...yeah.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Rohan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A doodle????
      Dylan grew up with three brothers...I wonder what it was like out of mom and dad's earshot?
      J

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  13. LOL. Oh my....so glad I found you today. Needed a laugh. :)

    Javamom

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah for finding me and yeah for laughing!!
      J

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  14. I work with a dementia patient who alway refers to his bowel movements as whoopsies. I am new to this blogging lark and find your blogs candid amuzing and well written. thank you for making me smile

    ReplyDelete