Monday, 11 March 2013

Terrible Twos....S.O.S.

Ya ready?

This weeks “I Get a Day Off From Writing and Feeling Pressure to be Funny and Get to Laugh at Your Stories and Share Some Blog Love Monday’ is the wonderful Denise Geremia from the blog Adventures in Geremialand.

Denise began stalking me and I began our blogging friendship a while ago when she sent me a message letting me know how much she loves me and that she had nominated me for a blogging award. 
On her blog she had this to say this about your truly:
“we're pretty much best friends even though we've never talked or met and she has no idea I exist”.
Some may have been scared away…I welcomed it!
Duh…I love awards and people that love me.

Denise is in the thick of it. She is mom to spicy and adorable two year old Aryn and she is seven months pregnant. Lets all take a moment to raise our wine glasses in salute/pity to her. I’ve been there…it sucks. But each day also brings amazing things and Denise writes about the good, the bad and the potty training. Check out  her blog from the beginning as she shares her raw journey through miscarriage, the birth of her daughter and her heart with humour as life as 'mommy' sets in.
There are two kinds of pregnant women. There are the women who get "the glow", who walk through the mall with an excited smile, knowing the child they are growing will one day become Prime Minister. They are the women who take pregnancy photos, of tiny bumps in super tight tank tops and their fingers making hearts over their belly buttons. They are the women who don't look pregnant from behind, and exercise throughout their entire pregnancy. They are the women who have mild morning sickness, and no Braxton Hicks.

Then there are the women, who, about 30 seconds after they see the "plus" sign on the pregnancy test become best friends with their toilet for 3/4 of the pregnancy, who look 8 months pregnant at 12 weeks, who expand in areas they didn't know existed, get stretch marks that look like they were attacked by 300 cats, and curse God for making pregnancy 40 weeks of misery.

I am the latter.

When you know women who just can't get pregnant, no matter how hard they try, it's tough to say out loud that "pregnancy sucks." But... for some women, it does. My friend and I have been texting each other all of our pregnancy despairs. Both of us wanted so many children; neither of us have good pregnancies and therefore will most likely not ever do this again. Ever.


And we walk around the mall, looking at those silly smirking, happy-to-be-pregnant women and secretly curse them with colic and diaper rashes. Because it's only fitting that after 40 weeks of misery, we should get the healthy babies and they should get the children who make them wish they hadn't gotten drunk a year earlier.

But, then, two years later, you seem to forget that horrible 40 weeks and start to think, "I could do this again." Even when you read your previous blog posts about how awfully, disgustingly sick you were, you still think, "I don't remember it being that bad."

So you try it again. And at precisely 6 weeks pregnant, all of those memories from 2 years earlier rush back and, while sitting on the bathroom floor heaving yesterday's supper, you scream at your husband, "I HATE YOU! I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN! EVER!"

And to think I'm sitting here also thinking, "If this one is a girl.... should we have 3 kids and hope for a boy?"

Women be crazy.

But that's not what this blog post is about! It was meant to be about my child, who has become a crazy monster who has devoured my sweet, hugging perfection that was once my beautiful daughter.

You know those kids you see in the stores where you look pityingly at the mother and think, "My kid will never be like that. My child will never speak to me that way."

And then she learns to talk. And she does speak to you that way.

Last night, I asked Aryn if she wanted to have a bath. She excitedly ran to the stairs, while I lay on the floor, contemplating the lesser of the two evil jobs before me: bathe her, or take Bauer for a walk. I lost the bet and had to give her a bath. And she knew it.

"Come here, mommy. NOW. Mommy! Come NOW. Mommy, get up NOW!"

I looked terrifyingly at my toddler. Do I punish her? Do I laugh? Do I just concede?

I conceded. I listened to her demands and I followed her with my tail between my legs. I gots in trouble, and I didn't like it. I had better listen to everything she tells me in the future and always let her tell me what to do.

Today, everything is "mine." The diapers are "mine." The wipes are "mine." My Lululemon Still Pants are "mine." Yet none of it is really mine; "mine" means "hers." She is demanding it. She is becoming owner of everything in the house. Her poor little friend Keegan's monster trucks were hers. She would not let him play with anything. The paints were hers. Bauer is hers. Everything is hers.

I am scared of her.

But then, the little baby that was at our house for a total of 10 minutes this morning began crying, and Aryn rushed over to her like a quick little bunny, grabbed a blanket, patted her head, and whispered "shhhhhh" to her, and brought her a baby doll to check out. Aryn went from being the Hulk to a mother in 1.3 seconds flat. And it was beautiful, and sweet, and makes me think that we can do this Baby #2 thing. I'll have the best helper ever.

Then, Aryn took the baby doll she brought over and chucked it straight across the room and looked at the poor, sweet baby with a look that said, "Ever cross me, and that's what'll happen to you."

My uterus hugged the poor little fetus growing inside and patted its head, with a very non-reassuring, "It sure sucks to be you."

It sure will little one. I'm scared for you, and I'm scared for us.

Send help.

Denise…. you and Aryn will ROCK this new baby. Just will be able to drink wine when you pop out him out and wine makes everything do-able. Even a two year old and a newborn.
Kidding. You may need to pull out the vodka.

Worst-case scenario…we have that Vegas trip you promised for my birthday.

Xo J

PS. If you are interested in a guest post please email me at


  1. Hahaha awesome!! I'm pretty honoured to be on here. BTW, this stalker says not to wear that shirt today - it doesn't match your shoes. Wear the blue one. I laid it out for you on your bed. Muahahaha

    1. It's an honour to have you here:)
      Your stalker comment made me pee my pants. I shall go change my shirt now, thank you for arranging my outfit, so considerate of you.

  2. Denise . . . welcome to the 'wine-der-ful' world . . . and yes, we women be completely nuts and have selective memories about labour. I salute all of you who bravely did that pregnancy thing more than once. May you have the BEST labour possible (i.e. short, painfree and heavily medicated . . . remember: Pain is bad, Drugs are good!)

    1. I'm allergic to the drugs.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. So pretentious! Why so much hate? Just because you had a "more difficult" pregnancy doesn't mean you should hate on other women's appearance of an easier pregnancy.

    1. I am sorry that's what you felt after reading this post.

      Like Denise said, there are two kinds of pregnant women, I also was the latter:( I don't think there was any hate for the happy glowing pregnant women, just a reality that it's not like that for all of us (no matter how much we hope it will be) with a little humour thrown in. I also wrote about my pregnancy here..

      Fact is, we all have different experiences and I appreciate Denise's honesty that sometimes, for some people, it just sucks. I also remember seeing the happy glowing moms and being extremely jealous. Wishing that could be me. I also had very easy newborns and knew that some mommies were jealous of that. We all have different experiences and feelings about it.

      I think this post was more about the terrible twos, so I hope you had a giggle over that:)
      Anyway, we all have our opinions, but rule number one on this blog is be kind.

    2. At 30 weeks, with Braxton Hicks, sore hips, leaking nipples, nausea, stuffed sinuses, and literally no sleep, I still look at the super-model-pregnant women and curse them with colic. No hate - just facts. Not pretentious - just karma.

  4. Denise,
    I think your child has been blessed with a kick-ass mom whose exploits shall be the stuff of legend.

    Wonderful post. You have a genuine talent and I'm glad I began my day with your words and outlook.
    Thank you.

    1. Robert,
      Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read...and leave such a thoughtful comment:)

    2. Thank you Hook!! That means a lot. I really appreciate the feedback!