Friday, 22 February 2013

Hunger Games

My kids have been off school all week. All week. Did I mention since like last Friday? Yes all week.
Seeing as both Dylan and I work full time, this has lead to a lot of unsupervised ‘sister bonding’ time. Please read as: The fighting is gonna put me over the freaking edge.

Its been like the Hunger Games around here.

They are gonna kill each other for sure. Well, at least the little one. Yeah, my bet is she won’t form any alliances for survival, which is too bad as her dimples make her a crowd favorite for the win. She is good for ratings; I hope she makes it to the finale.

Each tribute in my fight-to-the-death-school-break-arena has their own special skills for survival and I am the Games Master throwing twists into the game to mix things up and keep it interesting for the spectators.

By spectators I mean me. Me at work watching it all play out via ‘tattletale texting’. 
It’s been fantastic. No it has not.

Maybe a sponsor will send me booze for my survival. To clarify, I don’t want an AA sponsor. I want the opposite.

Ironically, I was sent an email last night asking me to post a link to "Ideas to Keep Your Teen From Going Stir Crazy Over Spring Break".

Where was this list last Monday assholes?

Then I was mad because they reminded me that it’s not even Spring Break yet. Then I thought about Summer Holidays. Then I started crying. Then I poured a glass of wine.

This list has some na├»ve, bullshit, resourceful ideas if you are creative and organized and a good mom and give a shit. None of which I am. I made sure their iPhones and iPad’s were charged, turned on the TV, left some cold pizza and went to work.

Oh, I also left them a list of major cleaning jobs. For money.
That's right, I bribed them with twenty bucks to keep busy so they would not burn down my house or require a C.S.I murder investigation. Go ahead and put child labor on your ‘keep busy’ lists you damn super mommies. That’s the stuff that will get parents to buy into this cult of good parenting you are pushing. 
You’re welcome.

The next email in my inbox was from a company that told what an influential blogger I am and as such they would like to send me free designer sunglasses to try out and then write a review about on my blog. This enticed me, as it was clearly better for my self-esteem. I’m a shitty mom but a kick ass blogger! Plus…I love free stuff.

In other news, please disregard any future blogs about sunglasses.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go referee the fighting in the basement while I close my eyes and imagine the school bell ringing.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

Xo J


  1. Ah yes, another reason to stop at one child . . . oh wait, you had twins so you couldn't simply send one kid had school . . . but she's in high school so was pretty much OFF for the entire freaking month of January. Tomorrow she turns 15 -- so if you hear screams coming from the Southeast it is just her and 5 girlie friends watching horror movies in my livingroom. I will be hiding out in my bedroom . . . occasionally sneaking down the hall to scare them. I may or may not have also dropped hints for friends to maybe stop by and scrape the windows with tree branches . . . I LOVE birthdays.
    Hey, maybe your girls could come and swarm my house . . . that would scare the girlies.

  2. One of my guilty pleasures, or freakishly weird things I love to do is scare the crap out of my kids. Its become like a sport.
    I have friends with kids in high school, so I did hear about the month of January being a no school/mid term free for all.
    Hey, wait a minute...I'm in the South East too. Is that your house I hear the screaming from?

    1. Not till tomorrow at about this time . . . tonight I bake cuppy cakes . . . yum

  3. Giving you one more thing to do. Your blog won an award. Come by and grab it!

  4. LOL! I have a friend whose daughters do the same thing when they're on holiday. I remember last time she got a text from the middle one that said "Older Sis has yelled at me and manhandled me into my room. Now I can't get out. Can I kill her?"

    1. I was going to share some of the texts I got...but there were simply too many.
      One of my favourites though was..."mom help me".

  5. You'll be fine unless...
    A) Someone starts building fires in the basement to stay warm.
    B) Makeshift bows suddenly appear in the girls' closets.
    C) Unusual berries appear on the kitchen table.

    Other than that, the girls will soon grow tired of the battle; kids today have short attention spans...

    Good luck with the free swag. If you get any comic books or superhero-themed apparel, let me know, all right?

    1. I will definitely watch for fire, bows and berries. lol
      When will they stop...when?
      I'm not taking the swag, not really what I want this blog to be about...but if I get any geeky, oops I mean superhero comic offers, I will take them for you for sure!