Truths and T-Rex's

Ok, back to me.

I was very grateful for my guest blogger this week as I have been sick with the flu. Pretty sure it was the dreaded Man Flu. My eyeballs hurt and I thought I was dying. I was contemplating if I should call an ambulance or the morgue.

But I am pleased to tell you I beat death.

Probably because of my amazing XX chromosomes.

Anyway, I thought I would share a list of truths about yours truly. Sharing is caringJ Let’s get to know each other better. I’ll go first, after all it’s my blog.

1)   I’m a PK. My mom is a pastor. Yup, the Right Reverend Mother. Should explain some things right? You know what they say, ‘Pastors kids and cop kids….’ J

2)   My brother-in-law is a cop. Not that this matters, nor is it really about me, but he has been feeling left out that I haven't written about him yet. I love him like the brother I never had growing up.

3)   Dylan and I were dating for two and a half months when I became pregnant. Please refer to #1 and imagine that conversation with my parents. “Mom and dad, I’d like you to meet Dylan. Oh, and by the way…..”

4)   I didn't find out I was pregnant until after I was 10 weeks along. I was 24 and working as a cocktail waitress while I finished school. This may explain any of their struggles in math. And science.

5)   I did not get married because I was pregnant. I knew I would marry him...it just sorta sped things up. I love him more today than 13 and a half years ago. It also helps that I now know his middle name.

6)   Parts of me are fake. This does not embarrass me, nor am I afraid to talk about it.  When I was laying down one day and found my nipple in my armpit, I decided it was time.  That and the time I ran a 5km run for Breast Cancer Awareness and mistakenly wore pink. Everyone assumed I was a survivor and was cheering me on. I felt like an imposter. They are for me, not Dylan. He’s always been an ass man.

7)   They are fantastic. Really fantastic.

8)   I HATE green peppers. They ruin my life. They are the devil’s vegetable.

9)   I LOVE to pick and pop zits. I believe there are two kinds of people in this world: pickers and non-pickers. I am a picker. I have been known to pick at Dylan and my girlfriends like a Rhesus monkey. I sometimes watch You Tube videos of giant cysts being popped to relax. If you have a zit, I promise you I will stare at it and please know that I am imagining popping it.

I just got goose bumps of thrill.

10)   I have a very weird fascination with T-Rex's. They make me happy. Seriously, if you are having a bad day, just imagine a T-Rex trying to put on a hat. Or a cardigan.

You are smiling right now aren’t you? Your welcome.

T-Rex’s are what this post is really about. I added the ‘about me’ list as a way to introduce my Dino-Love in a way that made it seem somewhat normal and less random. I should just give up trying at this point.

I have spent many hours entertaining myself (with some less than normal friends) imagining different activities for a T-Rex. One of my favorite friendship memories is from a recent girls trip to Arizona. After a few glasses of red wine, a late night swim turned into the T-Rex summer Olympics. Trust me when I tell you that T-Rex’s would suck ass at synchronized swimming and I am convinced that lack of skill in the breaststroke is the reason they are extinct. Poor things drowned and didn’t stand a chance with those stumpy little arms.  

I am now sharing my T-Rex joy with the world.

Imagine:

·      A T-Rex Flight attendant. “The exits are here, here, here and here”. I’m sorry, where the hell are the exits? I feel confused and unsure about my safety in the event of an emergency. Can you show me how that oxygen mask works one more time?

·      A T-Rex Square Dancing Competition. That’s a whole lotta dosey-don’ts.

·      A T-Rex trying to make a snow angel. Poor little T-Rex’s and their lack of childhood winter joy. That's just called a snow blob.

·      A T-Rex Rowing Team. FAIL. Oars in the water assholes!  Same idea for boxing. Dude…the point is to HIT him!

·      A T-Rex playing darts, archery, shot put, javelin or baseball. Really anything in the throwing related category. They would always be picked last and that’s just sad.  And awesome to visualize.

·      T-Rex Village people. Who doesn’t love a good rendition of the YMCA?

T-Rex’s that’s who.

·      T-Rex Self Care. Mascara and lip-gloss are out. Wiping their ass…nope. Itchy bum? Sorry about your luck. Bat in the cave? No nose picking possible. How embarrassing.

I have more. Lots more. It’s become an obsession.

So think of me when you are lucky enough to see anything T-Rex related.

And smile.

I would also like to know random things about you!! I promise I won’t tell a single person.

Shhhh, it’s our secret. Go ahead…tell me.

Xo J

 Smiling yet?