Friday 11 January 2013

Truths and T-Rex's


Ok, back to me.
I was very grateful for my guest blogger this week as I have been sick with the flu. Pretty sure it was the dreaded Man Flu. My eyeballs hurt and I thought I was dying. I was contemplating if I should call an ambulance or the morgue.
But I am pleased to tell you I beat death.
Probably because of my amazing XX chromosomes.

Anyway, I thought I would share a list of truths about yours truly. Sharing is caringJ Let’s get to know each other better. I’ll go first, after all it’s my blog.

1)   I’m a PK. My mom is a pastor. Yup, the Right Reverend Mother. Should explain some things right? You know what they say, ‘Pastors kids and cop kids….’ J
2)   My brother-in-law is a cop. Not that this matters, nor is it really about me, but he has been feeling left out that I haven't written about him yet. I love him like the brother I never had growing up.
3)   Dylan and I were dating for two and a half months when I became pregnant. Please refer to #1 and imagine that conversation with my parents. “Mom and dad, I’d like you to meet Dylan. Oh, and by the way…..”
4)   I didn't find out I was pregnant until after I was 10 weeks along. I was 24 and working as a cocktail waitress while I finished school. This may explain any of their struggles in math. And science.
5)   I did not get married because I was pregnant. I knew I would marry him...it just sorta sped things up. I love him more today than 13 and a half years ago. It also helps that I now know his middle name.
6)   Parts of me are fake. This does not embarrass me, nor am I afraid to talk about it.  When I was laying down one day and found my nipple in my armpit, I decided it was time.  That and the time I ran a 5km run for Breast Cancer Awareness and mistakenly wore pink. Everyone assumed I was a survivor and was cheering me on. I felt like an imposter. They are for me, not Dylan. He’s always been an ass man.
7)   They are fantastic. Really fantastic.
8)   I HATE green peppers. They ruin my life. They are the devil’s vegetable.
9)   I LOVE to pick and pop zits. I believe there are two kinds of people in this world: pickers and non-pickers. I am a picker. I have been known to pick at Dylan and my girlfriends like a Rhesus monkey. I sometimes watch You Tube videos of giant cysts being popped to relax. If you have a zit, I promise you I will stare at it and please know that I am imagining popping it.
I just got goose bumps of thrill.
10)   I have a very weird fascination with T-Rex's. They make me happy. Seriously, if you are having a bad day, just imagine a T-Rex trying to put on a hat. Or a cardigan.
You are smiling right now aren’t you? Your welcome.

T-Rex’s are what this post is really about. I added the ‘about me’ list as a way to introduce my Dino-Love in a way that made it seem somewhat normal and less random. I should just give up trying at this point.

I have spent many hours entertaining myself (with some less than normal friends) imagining different activities for a T-Rex. One of my favorite friendship memories is from a recent girls trip to Arizona. After a few glasses of red wine, a late night swim turned into the T-Rex summer Olympics. Trust me when I tell you that T-Rex’s would suck ass at synchronized swimming and I am convinced that lack of skill in the breaststroke is the reason they are extinct. Poor things drowned and didn’t stand a chance with those stumpy little arms.  

I am now sharing my T-Rex joy with the world.
Imagine:
·      A T-Rex Flight attendant. “The exits are here, here, here and here”. I’m sorry, where the hell are the exits? I feel confused and unsure about my safety in the event of an emergency. Can you show me how that oxygen mask works one more time?
·      A T-Rex Square Dancing Competition. That’s a whole lotta dosey-don’ts.
·      A T-Rex trying to make a snow angel. Poor little T-Rex’s and their lack of childhood winter joy. That's just called a snow blob.
·      A T-Rex Rowing Team. FAIL. Oars in the water assholes!  Same idea for boxing. Dude…the point is to HIT him!
·      A T-Rex playing darts, archery, shot put, javelin or baseball. Really anything in the throwing related category. They would always be picked last and that’s just sad.  And awesome to visualize.
·      T-Rex Village people. Who doesn’t love a good rendition of the YMCA?
T-Rex’s that’s who.
·      T-Rex Self Care. Mascara and lip-gloss are out. Wiping their ass…nope. Itchy bum? Sorry about your luck. Bat in the cave? No nose picking possible. How embarrassing.

I have more. Lots more. It’s become an obsession.
So think of me when you are lucky enough to see anything T-Rex related.
And smile.
I would also like to know random things about you!! I promise I won’t tell a single person.
Shhhh, it’s our secret. Go ahead…tell me.
Xo J

 Smiling yet?

26 comments:

  1. I'm a PK too. Hadn't heard that term in about 20 years but now its twice in 6 months. My parents tried to hard to make sure that dad's job wasn't ours as well. :)

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    1. Sometimes like a fishbowl....but we all survived:)
      J

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  2. I've volunteered at a zoo, where I would walk around holding a snake or a millipede in my hands and mingle with the visitors.

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    1. You could not pay me enough. Maybe the snake...but I would scream like a school girl with the millipede.
      J

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  3. Almost wetting myself at your T-Rex disabilities (Husband is currently looking at me like I've completely lost it!). Love your blog!!!

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    1. Should I send diapers? Try blowing your husband a kiss...as a T-Rex!!!
      J

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  4. I thought you were talking about the band!!!!! Haha, help, I need another glass of wine

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    1. I didn't know there was a T-Rex band..but can you guess what I am imagining now?
      T-Rex rock band...drums, electric guitars, keyboard. The visual in my mind is AWESOME!! The music however would suck.
      J

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    2. OMG, Jess, T.Rex - glam rock during the seventies .... I know, sooo last century :(
      I feel old, glass of wine will help though :)

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  5. I'm glad to hear you've recovered, Jessica! By the way, your guest blogger is eternally grateful for the opportunity and hopes you'll do the same whenever the blogging spirit moves you...

    Now my wife and father-in-law have been laid low with the dreaded flu bug. Guess who has to take the next two days off to care for them?

    I think there's a post brewing in this whole situation; something about the difference between moms and dads when it comes to caring for sick family members. Moms dive right in, but its an entirely different story with dads...

    You're a wild, zit-poppin', sex-out-of-wedlock, fun lovin', wonderful mom, Jessica!

    As for me, I have an iPod loaded with songs from Glee, Katy Perry, and tons of other teenybopper artists, courtesy of the wife, who used Sarah's iTunes account to totally mess with my head..

    But that's our little secret, right?

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    1. I can imagine you dancing and singing to Justin Bieber...now you can also pretend to be a T-Rex and impress everyone with your moves.
      I aslo think there is a wild Robert in there somewhere as well....just saying.
      But I promise I won't tell anyone.
      J

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  6. OMG, I hate green peppers too! I thought I was the only one! It tastes just so... weird and gross.

    Your dinosaur photos were freakin' hilarious. Keep up the great blogging!

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    1. Even if they touch something...I can still taste the green pepper evilness.
      I'm giving you a T-Rex hug..oh wait, never mind.
      J

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  7. I read this, and all I can think is, "I wonder if she and her mother still get along."

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    1. Even though she was a bit 'shocked' I was the vessel for the beloved first grand babies. We are very close. Perhaps too close. Someone may want to cut the apron strings.
      J

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  8. Ha! I've commented before, after my friend directed me to your blog, telling me how much you and I were alike. Now I have an even better understanding of this because A. I am a 'cop's' daughter (I also married a cop, go figure) B. Green peppers make me question that whole 'veggies are good for you' baloney C. Parts of me are fake and fabulous as well (not for my husband either, but let's face it, he ain't complainin')D. My teenage boys run for cover when they know I've spotted a zit. I become fixated. I have also Youtubed zit popping, though I'd only admit that to you! Ok, admittedly I don't share your T-Rex facination. I do, however, have an unhealthy obsession with pineapples and peacocks (I'm not even kidding here).
    Kris M.

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    1. Clearly we need to live closer.
      Peacocks and pineapples eh? What about a peacock holding a pineapple...like fruit and bird porn.
      One thing about teens and hormones that I do enjoy is the zits I get to pop. Sometimes I chase them. And then hold them down. I tell them I am just 'helping'
      j

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  9. Oh, one other thing...I HATE when I have a spelling error in a comment...makes me crazy...and obsessed...I'm not stupid...really...please believe me...I KNOW how to spell 'fascination'. :)
    Kris M.

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    1. I believe you. I also hate spelling and grammar mistakes. Drives me CRAZY..like a bad facination ;)
      J

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  10. This images just ooze cute!

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  11. Jecca- Do you watch The Voice? Don't you think that CeeLo Green is the human version of a T-Rex? Just sayin' :)

    xo

    PS- Green Peppers = blech

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    Replies
    1. I will never look at him the same way again. Ever.
      J

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  12. I like the one where T Rex has a pair of those grippers and dances around stating invincibility

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  13. Laughing yet??? NO, more like splitting my gut and rolling on the floor!
    Thanks! :)

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    1. I love that you are laughing..see what T-Rex's can do for our world.
      J

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