Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Cheesy Uterus and Dairy Ass

One of my favorite things to look at on my blog statistics is the search terms used to find this blog. Most of them have to do with ‘mom on strike’ or simply my name, but every so often a gem pops up that actually makes me pee my pants laughing.

These are the ones I post on my Facebook fan page for shits and giggles.

Umm…you would already know this if you had given me likey love by clicking the blue button to your right. Just sayin’.

Anyway, this week the term that left me smelling like a hamster cage from laughing too hard was: “shooting dairy out of my ass video

Yup, that’s right. Google somehow directed the person looking for footage of ice cream ass explosions for whatever reason, (I am not one to judge) to my blog.
And they clicked the link.
Ok, I am judging a bit.

I hope they found what they were looking for, but I can assure you that no matter how hard you search through each and every one of my posts there is NO video of me shooting dairy out of my ass.
You're welcome by the way.

Odd right? Well not as odd as a conversation that ensued afterwards via text with one of my besties.

Friend: I googled the search term and you really are the first dairy ass search return
Me: WTH?? I feel so confused. It doesn’t even make sense.
Friend: I thought I would get animal porn for sure, but nope, its all you.
Me: Google hates me. I really am one step away from porn.
Friend: OMG! Type in ‘My uterus went on strike and decided to make cheese’.
Friend: Number one bitches!
Me: I do love being number one.
Friend: ‘Redneck uterus made cheese for trolls.’ Sadly, you are fourth. But that’s still awesome.
ME: Fourth?? WTH? Assholes.
ME: Also, I’m stuck on why you are obsessed with my uterus making cheese?
Friend: Because it’s funny to type cheese.
Me: Fair enough. And this is why we are friends.
Friend: You are the best google search ever. Try ‘T-Rex stole cheesy uterus for wine trolls’. Weeeeeee!
Me: Are you drink?
Me: Drink?
Me: Damn. DRINK?
Me: Guck
Me: D R U N K.
Me: Eggnog auto correct phone.
Me: Grrrr. I don’t even like eggnog.
Friend: Can eggnog be our safe word?
Me: No. It cannot.

Lessons learned:
1)   I clearly need to evaluate the use of the words ‘cheese’ and ‘uterus’ on my blog.
2)   My friends are AWESOME!!!

Xo J

What’s that? You want to hear more of my odd search terms? Well…go hit the Facebook like button then.
Blackmail for search term laughter. I’m ok with that.

Only good things can happen when you are wearing cowboy hats.


  1. This post had me peeing my pants and damn...now I need to get my ass of my sofa and change!

    1. One word: Depends.
      I may need to look into pee my pats protection. With my friends it happens a lot.

  2. I know!! I was worried it was just me that would find it funny..so thank you for the validation.

  3. "Kim Kardashian naked" or anything to do with the Kardashian clan and Kanye West is sure to bring in hits for my blogs, Jessica.
    By the way, hilarious post!

    1. I have noticed you many comparisons to Miss. Kardashian. Can I tell you a secret...Kim could knock on my door to sell religion and I would have NO idea who she was.

    2. And that's another reason I love you! Platonically, of course; I don't want to risk incurring Dylan's wrath again..