Thursday, 3 January 2013

Forks, Frogs and Foxes

We have many off limit words at this house. Obviously the usual run of the mill profanity is on this list, but also included is our family ‘swear words’ that are a big no no.
Like a 'watch mom’s eyes pop out of her head and run for your life' no no.

The Family Swear words include:
1.     Shut up
2.     Stupid
3.     Retard
4.     Gay (or any variation if not used properly, as in ‘happy’ or respectfully referring to homosexuality)
5.     Hate
6.     Idiot
Such a good mom raising respectful, polite, well-spoken children right? Another Gold Star for me please.

Disclaimer: Mom you may want to stop reading here.

Ummm, Jess, if these words are off limits…what about your use of  ‘occasional’ profanity in your writing? Hypocrite. No shit, I am a grown up. Put on your hand cupped ear-muffs if needed and let’s get on with it shall we.

Let’s get one thing straight peeps; I’m not hoping to submit this as a Berenstain Bears Book with Mama Bear teaching her cubs a lesson on manners. This blog is not the Hungry Caterpillar munching its way through an apple and I will not be saying Good Night to the moon with you. Besides, I think my use of expletives has been somewhat limited and I have shown great restraint. It’s very well placed if you ask me. Funny shit.

I think it’s hysterical when a small person (as in children, not little people..ok that too) drops the F bomb.

Toddler Olivia couldn’t say the word fox. Let me tell you how much fun I had watching Dora.
“Swiper No Swiping!!  Get away bad Fucks.”

Toddler Quinn struggled saying the word fork. I almost lost my shit one morning when at the tender age of three she asked me for a fucking knife (fork and knife) so she could eat her pancakes.

Quinn also referred to fried (flattened) eggs as ‘fucking eggs’ for a good two years. It made preparing breakfast worth getting out of bed even without a mimosa. “Mommy, can I please have a fucking egg?”
Thank you for remembering your manners Quinn. Good job.

My three-year old niece just learned to say frog properly. Let me tell you how many toy frogs I bought for her just so I could hear her excitedly say “fuck Auntie fuck”.
Emily, tell Auntie what animal says ‘ribbet’. Clever girl!!

All of these words became a regular family activity when at my mother’s house…just to see her reaction. Dance puppet dance.

Perhaps my favorite is when a child can use the word in context. When Peyton was three, she came upon her little sister playing with her markers in the kitchen. As soon as she noticed the massive violation of her property she calmly turned to Dylan with her hands in the air and asked “What the fuck daddy?”
Dylan called me at work and explained the story in panic asking what parenting direction he should take. My response was hard to hear through my laughter. “Are you shitting me? Who the fuck taught her that?”
Don’t answer that.
In hindsight, perhaps I should have been more cognizant that little ears keep listening when mommy is talking on the phone. But I blamed Dylan and his road rage language when driving with the kids in the back seat. Shame on him!

At least Peyton didn’t have any linguistic challenges and I was very impressed with her syntax. Smart little child.

As they grow, our family’s off limit list of words still remains the same. But I am learning that they cannot be shielded from the world’s profanity for very long. School, sports, and ok sometimes me (but mostly Dylan) lends for a premature loss of innocence that makes me want to sprinkle magic fairy dust to keep them sheltered in my house forever.

The other day Peyton and Olivia were explaining to me that someone at school got in trouble for saying the “C” word.  Are you shitting me?
My eyes grew as big as saucers, my heart raced and in what seemed like an eternity I racked my brain for what the ‘C’ word could possibly be in grade 7.
Crap? Cupcakes? Crazy? Cookies?  
Surely they weren’t talking about the actual word at the age of 12. I asked what word they were talking about, holding my breath for the answer I really didn’t want to hear.

They asked me if I knew what word they were talking about; I assured them I did. They finally rolled their eyes at me, told me the word and then proceeded to tell me what it meant. Then they asked me if I already knew what it meant. Really?

All I could think was that I am clearly under qualified for this parenting job. Who the hell hired me? It’s going to fast and I haven’t even taken the Level II Certification Course yet.

I stopped by the wine store on the way home for an extra bottle and couldn’t even get the words out to Dylan to explain why I was drinking before dinner.

It had to be wine thirty somewhere.

See you next timeJ

Xo J

Don’t forget to likey the linkey to your right and tell all your friends. Hellooooooo….magical wine fairies.


  1. I'm pretty free and easy with the swearing, but the C word is definitely where I draw the line. I'm not opposed to it's meaning, or even the derogatory manor in which it's used ... I just take offence to how ugly it is!

    1. I know right? I couldn't even write it in this post.How on earth does a child in grade 7 know it and use it?

  2. My little girl Lizzie drops the f-bomb on a regular basis. eg, liz is drawing... drops her pen... fuck!! I know exactly where she learned such language. No "mother of the year award" for me... again

    1. Blame someone could never come from you:)

  3. When our daughter was 3 she kept trying to cut her hair with scissors one evening and as my husband ever so gently took them from her she yells, "Daddy! You're fistin' me off!" After a long bout of snorting laughter from the two of us - We took the scissors away and retell the story still to this day...

    1. This had me laughing in the middle of work. Nobody better be fisten' me off today or they are going to hear about it!

  4. I'd say you're doing fine, Jessica!
    It's funny you should mention profanity: I've developed a penchant for "blue language" over the last few years - working in a hotel will do that to you - and my wife has had to rein me in...

    So trust me when I say this, you're a great mom. Keep up the good work!

    1. Having done my fair share of time in the restaurant and bar business...I know what you mean.
      As far as the parenting goes..right back at you:)

  5. My husband says I have the mouth of a sailor. Since my son is a flippin saint.. grrrr... and judgmental, my daughter picked up all of my... grammar. She controlled herself for many years, until last spring when she played Dogberry in Much Ado about Nothing. And I quote

    " Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not
    suspect my years? O that he were here to write me
    down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an
    ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not
    that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of
    piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness.
    I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,
    and, which is more, a householder, and, which is
    more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in
    Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a
    rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath
    had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every
    thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that
    I had been writ down an ass!"

    Guess what her favorite word is. (She's 16)

    1. All three of my girls are the language police..I guess that means I am doing ok in the values department right?
      If ass is her favourite word..I say you are doing ok too.

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. Pretty sure I was spammed:) Look at me deleting to protect you all.

  8. HI Jess,
    Love the blogs!
    The UK is 7 hours ahead of you, so it's always wine o-clock after 10 AM MST.


  9. Both my friend and I are "already subscribed" to follow your blog by email . . . but have not been getting any emails! Even checked my junk and spam filters (what internet provider would DARE to dump your emails there!!) but no luck. Is this a conspiracy to get us to LIKE your FB page? I've already done that. . . by the way, no wine fairy.

    1. Ok, don't laugh at me.
      After reading this I just realized people can follow by email. I just clicked on the little linky thingy and it appears I have quite a few email followers. Oops.
      Ok, you may laugh at me now
      I will see if I can figure it out, but I'm sure by this point you have realized not to put your faith in me regarding anything tech related.
      As for the wine fairies, there is a snow storm here so that may explain the delay. I will look into it ASAP.

  10. My oldest son could not say TRUCK. He could manage tractor, and train, but not truck. Why me, who blushes just thinking the word? My brother, of course, took great delight in pointing at every truck on the road, and asking - "What's that, Aaron?" while I was kept busy nattering "Yes, that's a TRUCK...what a nice red TRUCK..." so no one would think I was a bad least, not where my kids' language was concerned.

  11. We have a rule in our house for cussing we tell our kids you cuss as much as you want when you pay the mortgage, then you will really have something to cuss about.

  12. We have rules about profanity in my house too, but I have to admit that I found it hilarious to take my daughter (three years old at the time) to my mother's house to play with the kitties. Keeping in mind, of course, that she always said 't' instead of 'k', and loved telling grandma how much she loved her kitties. Fortunately, my mom is a good sport.

  13. My daughter, Andy, also couldn't pronounce 'frog' properly until very recently. Or 'shirt'. Naturally, my family and I have showered her with frog paraphernalia, and shirts, just to hear her say the words because, apparently, we have reached the collective age of 12. It's funny - sue us.

    I've been enjoying your blog since I discovered it in January - so happy to discover I'm not the only Canadian mother losing her fricking mind while raising children!