Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Sprinkled Chocolate Balls

I have what some may describe as an ‘addictive personality’. No need for any under-your-breath comments about my wine drinking here. I do try to keep things under control and have learned that anything beyond the 25 cent slots are not permissible for me in Vegas. Sweet Balls do I love Vegas. It’s an addictive personality gals heaven. It’s a good thing any card related gambling confuses the hell out of me. Too much math and remembering.
I digress.

I am NOT a ‘gamer’. I hate video games and it would annoy me beyond all belief when Dylan and I were first married to come home and find his sorry ass planted in front of the TV with a controller in hand. What a waste of time. Seriously, you could have been dusting decorative candles and collecting socks for the past 8 hours. Although I do have a very cute picture of two newborn babies sleeping on his chest as he reclined in a chair manipulating the controllers around small humans to steal and crash a pretend car on the big screen.

However, you may have noticed that I have not posted a blog in a while. We all know my life is crazy right now and although I am feeling somewhat in the spring sports rhythm, something else has taken over my life.

I am not proud.

But I need to say the words.

My name is Jessica Stilwell and I am a Candy Crush-oholic.

There. I said it.  Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery right?

I call bullshit. All I can think about is candy.  Red candy. Blue candy. Striped candy. Packaged candy. Falling candy.  Exploding candy. Don’t even get me started on matching two ‘specials’ together and oh Lord, I never knew how a sprinkled chocolate ball could make me squeal.

I find it all very odd, as I don’t even have a sweet tooth.

About two months ago I was all judgy and making fun of one of my friends for her Candy Crush addiction. She didn’t know I was judging her for wasting her life away at the time...but I guess the cat is out of the bag now as she religiously reads this blog. Well, my friend I am sorry and since you are at level 346, you are now officially my hero.
Wax on, wax off Mr. Miyagi. I am your young grasshopper. Please teach me your ways.

I am actually having Candy Crush dreams. In a perfect fantasy sequence, the candy stars align and I can close my eyes and see not one, but two sprinkle chocolate balls fall into place. Side by sweet candy side while a packaged and a striped candy lay beneath. It’s like Candy Crush wet dreams. 
Dylan appears annoyed that I am not all that focused on him as of late…I told him when his balls are chocolate and covered in sprinkles we can talk. Ohhhh! That would be two side-by-side chocolate sprinkle balls. Imagine that explosion. It would clear the entire screen.

The game is designed to hook you. Or perhaps that’s just how pitiful I am. It is dazzlingly created to draw you in and spend money to buy more lives, extra moves and powers. It taunts you with its tempting ways. Chanting “Just one more chance. Come on Jess, this time you will succeed. I promise. It’s your lucky day. Special price just for you. What can one little purchase hurt? Come on, everybody’s doing it. Don’t you want to be cool? Good girl. Go ahead, breath deeply and match those candies. Now doesn’t that feel better?”

Ok…so my credit card bill may look a little odd this month but whatever, I totally kicked level 87's ass with a mere 24 dollars. You see, up until recently I was playing on the down-low. I was hiding my newfound addiction like a dirty little crack secret until I found out you could link that shit up on Facebook and get lives and gifts from friends who also play the game. I was wary and cautious at first due to my embarrassment. After all, I have been very vocal about my hatred for updates and invites from those stupid Facebook games junking up my newsfeed.

Like really…who actually plays those??

Well, as it turns out there are hundreds of losers players JUST LIKE ME!! And now I can play continuously. ALL. DAY. LONG.  All because of the bonbon love from my Facebook friends. It’s like fricken’ Christmas morning when I see a friend has sent me a Candy Crush ‘Gift”. 
I’m feeling the love people. Feeling the love.

I am so pathetic that I flip back and forth from my iPhone to Facebook as I think I am brilliant enough as to have figured out a way to leave one game open so it doesn’t sync with the lives I have used on the other device. Boooya Candy Bitches. I own you.
No...not really. They totally own me.

My nights used to be a glass of wine, some favorite shows and a good conversation with my husband.
Then I started blogging and it was a glass of wine, some TV and my writing.Now it’s a glass of wine and my candies. 
Just me and my candies.

My job and my children are really getting in the way of my confectionaries and I’m pretty sure I will eventually have to do some laundry and go grocery shopping. Why do they have to eat all the time? Didn’t I just feed them yesterday? They are so high maintenance. Why can't they just eat candy? 

Maybe Dylan will hire someone to replace me when I am taken off to Candy Crush Rehab.
Who wants to be my roommate? We shall decorate our room with stripes and sprinkles. 

Ok…you may go ahead and judge me now. But when you are done judging if you could be ever so kind and send me some lives and extra moves?
Much appreciated.

I wish I could give photo credits…but it was just going around Facebook.

xo J

Word of Advice: If this post makes no sense to you…GOOD! Keep it that way. If you have no idea what I am talking about and do not play the game then DO NOT START. Not even one little level. Trust me, consider yourself warned and you are welcome!!

Whatever you do DO NOT click THIS LINK
But if you do…please send me a life?
(do it! do it! do it!)

Ok, that one came off as begging. I’m sorry. The effects of the addiction are not pretty. This disease affects everyone. I’m sure there is a Candy-Anon close to you. Support is important.


  1. Uh . . . where does the 12-step group meet . . oh wait. . . no, I don't want to know THAT . . . I want to know how to get past level 37 . . .


    1. Ahhh, level 37! I'm sure if we started a 12-step group, one of us could show you how.

  2. haha!! I had to put away my iphone/ipad an laptop for awhile to get away from candy crush! It truly is scary how addictive that game is! I totally understood your whole post and remember thinking how sad it was that I would close my eyes and see candies floating down..think I'll be joining you in rehab!!

    1. I'm closing my eyes right now..and I see so many stripes and sprinkles:)

  3. I will be joing as well I started in Feb and am now proudly and desperately stuck for 2 weeks on level 266. And all of my lovely fb friends are also on the bandwagon which is growing at an exponential rate.

    1. LEVEL 266!!!!
      I bow down oh wise Candy Leader.

  4. You evil one... I tried the game, as you knew I would. I am only on level 9, so it is early days still and I am not sure yet how this one will suck me in (although I know it will). But I am craving candy so badly that my teeth literally itch.

    1. Oh…I recruited a newbie!!!!
      I'm so proud. Do not hate me in three months. Please.

  5. Been there, did that, made it out on the other side! :)

  6. Made it to the other side like you finished the entire game???????

  7. I would never judge! Funny post. Happy Mother's Day!

  8. "Dylan appears annoyed that I am not all that focused on him as of late…I told him when his balls are chocolate and covered in sprinkles we can talk."
    Best. Line. Ever!

    Seriously, Jessica, you've outdone yourself. Now go crush some chocolate balls, you dirty girl.

  9. Hahahaha, oh no! 'The other side' as in I actually managed to stop playing. :)
    (It might, just might, have something to do with me being to cheap to pay for extra lives...)