DAY SIX

I hate to disappoint you all…but late last night all three children caved.  The Strike is over.

They actually began turning on each other. It got ugly. Each one blamed the others for the mess and they began yelling at one another to pick up after themselves.  Oh the irony. I wish I had filmed it. The drama and fight was Oscar Award winning worthy, or a nomination at the very least.

Dylan and I did not intervene in the fight, which of course made them turn on us. Their anger at why I hadn’t cleaned up made me laugh. Turns out my laughter was like poking a bear;  hormonal pubescent bears with dirty clothes and pooh bags for lunch.  Not pretty. Each of them insisted NONE of the mess was theirs. So we took a walk around the house. I even held their sticky little hands as I led them around on our discovery tour.  Good times I tell ya, good times.

Now we all now that at the age of about 12 each child has a magical transformation that enables them to know EVERYTHING there is to know about ANYTHING. Ironically at the same time of their knowledge acquisition, adults around them lose ALL of their own previous knowledge in any way, shape or form. This is confusing to me as I was once was a 4.0 student with scholarships and my name on the Dean’s List and Presidents Honour roll.  Apparently now I’m so clueless that I could make a guest appearance on TLC’s Honey Boo Boo.  Regardless, no matter how hard they argued that they were right and I was wrong…the evidence around us was like a CSI crime lab.  Yeah, that’s right, I went all ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy’ on their ass’s. And science doesn’t lie folks

Humour is obviously an important part of our family life. We kept it light and made jokes as we talked and explained what has been going on. They argued as they told me some of the mess was mine. I’m a little embarrassed at the satisfaction I took from explaining that I had washed only my dishes and picked up only my things. Ahh, who’s kidding who, I'm not embarrassed. I loved every freaking minute of it. It helped that I was already one glass in.

Dylan jumped up and down yelling while flapping his arms in the air “I PACKED YOUR LUNCH IN POOH BAGS!!! LOOK AROUND YOU PEOPLE, YOU ARE DISGUSTING CREATURES”. I was worried he was going to have brain aneurysm. I poured him a glass of wine.

The light bulbs went on…some brighter than others.  I never really liked science but a bonus conclusion of this experiment was to watch and learn more about my children’s personalities by how they reacted.  I should have included this in my original hypothesis.

Olivia told me this was the “Dumbest thing ever!! Kids have parents for a reason, to clean up after them”. I almost spit my wine out at that one...but I held back as I didn’t want to commit a wine crime or face having to have the carpets cleaned on top of it all.  She was irate that I had ‘lied’ to her all week telling her I was ‘busy’. No, I really was busy my sweet Olivia. Busy getting my nails done, busy drinking red wine and busy writing a blog all about the basement trolls I live with. She was down right angry and blaming everything on everyone around her. If I recall from my psychology classes this is called ‘External Attribution”…..or Socio-Path. I really can’t remember which right now.

Peyton announced that she  ‘knew something was up” Really Einstein?? What was your first clue?  The Jenga game of dirty dishes on the counter, the homemade crazy glue or our new colony of fruit flies that I have started giving names to and tucking in at night? Although she laughed, she insisted that only 5 thing left out were hers. Yes, that’s right, 5 things in 5 days. What a little angel. I call bullshit. I think it’s hard for her that I was right. Oh, I love saying that, lets say it again. I was right. I made her do the “I was wrong, you were right dance” complete with Jazz Hands. I filmed it; perhaps I will post it someday. She did laugh hysterically at my creative parenting and I realize she comes by her snorting honestly.

All three of them apologized and did thank me for what I do. I must admit I imagined this moment a week ago very differently than what I actually felt last night.  I pictured we would all hug and cry while the “Wind Beneath My Wings” played as background music. They would  crown me the best mother in the world as they all cheered me on and applauded my brilliance. In reality, the theme song in my head was from “Chariots of Fire” as they all yelled and fought around me. I closed my eyes and imagined I had just climbed Mount Everest and as I stood at the top of the mountain I screamed “THAT’S RIGHT!! IN YOUR FACE SUCKERS!! I WIN!!” I’m not proud, but its how I feel. Like the Stilwell Fight Club.

Today began the cleanup. I am not touching a thing and this house is on lock-down until it is to my standards. I’m sitting on the couch drinking coffee that I made them make for me. Quinn continues to gag and mini barf in her mouth every time she goes near the sink. She had to sit down as she felt sick.... awe muffin...are you ok?

Olivia held a glass of  ‘milk’  UPSIDE DOWN and announced  “Look mom, we made cheese!!”  I laughed and laughed and laughed. No I didn’t.  But I sure as hell giggled when she was dry heaving over the sink as she tried to clean it.

Peyton cannot believe that she lives with such pigs. I guess self-awareness is hard at this age. They all continue to blame each other and argue about who has cleaned up what. The fighting today is like WWIII. I now understand why some creatures eat their young.

I am assuming the clean up will take more than one day. Some of the small people are taking a break from this daunting clean up task to paint their nails. That’s seems like a priority. Good choosing girls.

I know some of you are sad ‘The Strike’ is over. But feel happy for me please. I WON!! And those of you who know me well know that I do love to win. My goal is to post ‘after’ pictures of my clean house in tomorrows blog and let you all know how the clean up went. But more importantly I hope you will read tomorrow as I explain from my heart why I decided to actually do this strike, how I followed through with it and what I learned.

But for now, it’s the weekend and I’m pretty sure it’s ok to start drinking earlier than usual todayJ Raise your glass with me!!

                                                   Glass of upside down milk...and a bottle of Pinesol at the ready :)

DAY FIVE

I am on the edge today. Prayers requested. Or booze.

Olivia woke up and announced “You STILL haven’t cleaned the kitchen, this is disgusting!!” Peyton asked “We didn’t clean the kitchen last night?” WE?? WE?? No dear WE didn’t clean the kitchen. They are mad as they want to have friends over this weekend and are too embarrassed. Really darlings? I was thinking about hosting a six course meal for all our friends. BYOB.

For those of you who were so proud of and impressed with Quinn last night. Don’t bother. Today alone she has left a bowl full of pancake mix and a tray of crescent rolls half cooked and half eaten on the counter. My leather chair is now decorated with stickers from the packaging of her new soccer shin pads. Nice touch if I do say so myself. It appears her newfound knowledge of the strike last night went in one ear and out the other. Guess there isn’t much in the way between her skull. She is Dylan’s kid today. I cannot believe I fell for her cute little dimples again. I believe she is the ring leader.

I now have a Maple Syrup can next to my Soya Sauce centerpiece. That’s ok. I like it. I have been meaning to incorporate more of an eclectic décor theme anyway. Sort of like Asian meets Canadian meets garbage dump. I think it may catch on. #maplesoyagarbagedecor

My house used to smell of Pinesol. Now there is an aroma of the two day old garlic dip sitting on the table. I’m not getting used to that part, but at least its masking the smell of the Great Dane blueberry and cookie farts.

There are oven mitts on my couch?? Someone will be at the ready if the remote control suddenly becomes hot to the touch.

I love any excuse to shop. I have decided I may have to get new dishes when this is all said and done. I’ve been browsing Bed Bath & Beyond picking out my new set as 5 day old Chinese food, cereal, salmon and maple syrup are going prove to be difficult to scrub clean.  The milk, cereal and ice cream are now in a solid state. I don’t know a lot about chemistry, but I am assuming this is not a good thing.

 I put my Iphone down on the counter today…I had to call it to find it.

I found a clean fork today. It was like I had won the freaking lottery.

My new nails are driving me crazy! I almost couldn’t get the wine open last night. I panicked. It wasn’t pretty.

I cleaned my en suite bathroom this morning. I filled each sink with hot water and excessive amounts of bleach and shut the door. Then I laid down in the middle of the bathroom and breathed deeply.  I could have had a nap. It was like heaven…I felt a little high, but heaven nonetheless.

The dogs look scared. They have been spending more time outside as of late. I can’t say I blame them. At least the weekly paid pooh pick up service has been doing there job. God bless you Calgary POOH BUSTERS.  I need to remember to ask them to leave me extra lunch bags.

I’ll admit I care a lot about what people think about my housekeeping skills. It’s like a pass/fail test of motherhood for me.  Before this strike I couldn’t have imagined a fate worse than death than to have someone stop by with my house less than perfect. I am now contemplating giving tours. Of course I will need to charge admission to cover the cost of the army of professional cleaners I am going to need. Be warned…there will be a waiver to sign before entry at your own risk. It truly is phenomenal.

I received a memo from my liver this morning that it will be going on strike next.

                                                    #maplesoyagarbagedecor

Visuals for you all to feel the full experience:) I feel embarrassed..or queasy, one of the two or perhaps both.

Yummy....<insert gagging here>

Back door.....Good Lord!

Laundry Basket/Garbage Bin/Family Room

Kitchen at day three!

It has become dangerous for the animals. Poor dog got trapped in the back pack trying to get to the rotten lunch bags :(

Day Four

Striking Mothers Log Book Day 4:

DING! DING! DING!! We have a winner folks!! Any guesses on which one caved? I’ll give you a hint…it wasn’t Dylan or me. I’ll leave you on the edge of your seat.  First let me recap today.

‘Doggy bags’ for lunch was not a big hit. Shocker. Quinn actually checked if there was real dog crap in the bag. Really?? What kind of monster do you think I am? When I asked if she was ok with taking it for lunch, she shrugged her shoulders and said “sure, why not”. I’m screwed. However, for those children in Junior High, the prospective of eating out of pooh bags was far to embarrassing. They actually got angry at ME!! Geesh, it was Dylan who packed their lunch, at least give credit where credit is due. I flipped them the bird when they had their backs turned, it made me feel better. Both of them stomped to the back door to get their lunch bags out of their backpacks (progress right?), then proceeded to dump the old contents on the counter (its beyond me how they found any available space…it's like Jenga) and transferred their pooh lunch into the now empty lunch kits. Wait for it…. they left the pooh bags on the counter. Sigh….no progress after all. We were so close.

Today’s breakfast was served on leftover Christmas paper plates and juice in Red Solo cups. It was like an early White Trash Christmas morning. I found myself humming ‘Here Comes Santa Clause’ all day long.

For some reason there is masking tape in my bathroom. This has honestly had me wondering all day what one could possibly need masking tape in the loo for. Are their tooshies so tender they needed to tape together toilet paper to make 6 ply? I’m really a loss for this one. Any ideas readers?

Word of advice: If you decide to strike, do not cook salmon for dinner. Enough said.

Remember how I thought Quinn had hit an all time low yesterday with the dog hair…appears I spoke too soon. Lunch bags (these things will be the freaking death of me) were left on the floor at the back door after school. The dog helped himself. Now I have chewed up baggies of food all over the house and a Great Dane with a purple mouth from his blueberry snack. Rut Roh!

Olivia continues to tell me that the kitchen is disgusting. At last count she had made this statement 17 times today alone. Looks like I don’t need to worry about a trip to the optometrist. Peyton asked me if this was one of my ‘silly mind games’ then proceeded to express her disgust that I am not doing anything for her. My answer, as it has been all week, was an empathetic “I have just been so busy this week my love”.  Then I walked away and checked to see if my wine fridge was stocked.

The winner? Why it was Quinn. This would have been my last guess!! My little love broke down in the kitchen tonight as she was trying to rinse a glass to use and began to cry. Through her sobs she said “I don’t wanna eat out of pooh bags anymore, I don’t want paper plates or beer cups for breakfast. Can you please help me clean up?” I stood silent for a moment and decided to let her in on it. I began negotiation talks with the ‘other side’. NHL my ass…I’ll show you how it’s done.

I took her on a tour around the house and as she noticed that not one item left strewn about belonged to mommy or daddy, her mouth dropped. She hugged me and began to tidy her things only. She has been instructed to NOT tell her sisters…. which of course delights her beyond no belief.

The other two you ask? I believe I am in it for the long haul. I love them, but they are disgusting little creatures. I have begun to call them the 'Basement Trolls'.

Tonight I am using the big glass.

Lunch Time

Day Three

October 3rd, 2012

Striking Mothers Log Book Day Three: Ok, so in hindsight perhaps serving Chinese food for dinner last night was poor choosing. Ginger Beef sauce and plum sauce left out on plate over night creates a product similar to crazy glue. On the upside, I am beginning to grow accustomed to the soya sauce bottle as a centerpiece on my counter. I may call Pier One and suggest that it would fit well with their Asian inspired decor line. I could be rich. I am beginning to think my otherwise seemingly bright children may actually be cognitively delayed. It’s a good thing they are pretty. Olivia took a look at the kitchen after school and announced “this kitchen is disgusting” then walked downstairs. Peyton has said nothing. This surprises me, as she is the self-proclaimed ‘neat freak’ of the small people that live here. Quinn may have hit an all time low (one can hope) when she emptied the dog brush and placed the bundle of hair on the arm of the chair. A non-striking mother would have freaked out at this…. a striking mother can’t help but wonder if she is saving it to make a pillow. Someone left the ice cream container on the counter, now it’s just cream. Odds are high that is going to stink by tomorrow. Someone wrote ‘I love you mom’ in the dust on my shelf. How precious. I may have to re-consider this Liquor Depot Lunch bag idea, as I fear it may prompt the teachers to report me to child welfare. Ironic eh? I should just write the Social Services phone number for them in their agenda’s…oh wait, I haven’t seen those all week. It turns out that we are out of ‘lunch bags’ anyway…. Dylan is just going to use the dogs pooh bags. I think it’s a nice gesture, after all, they do have those convenient close tie handles. The dog ate the cookies left on the counter today. I sure hope that his crime of opportunity doesn’t cause any Great Dane diarrhea. That could make things pretty sketchy around here. There are no favorites today. Its garbage day tomorrow, but I’m guessing that will wait till next week. The empty wine bottles however are going to need to be picked up asap!!

Day Two

October 2nd, 2012

Striking Mother Log Book Day Two: I have learned many things today. Cereal left sitting in milk in the bowl begins to stink much sooner than one would expect. Quinn likes to cut a lot of paper to make crafts and although the dogs will chew the paper, they will not actually eat it but spit it back out. I once thought I had an excessive amount of glassware…it really doesn’t last that long and the entire stock is now sitting on my counter. If you leave the dishwasher open all day long with dirty dishes, the extra large dog will eventually lick the entire thing clean. Which begs me to question if the children will think its actually clean and proceed to use the dishes in the morning? My family room must have magical powers that allows the children to think it is a closet, laundry basket and garbage can all rolled into one. Who knew?? Although I thought Peyton was onto me last night and the experiment had been compromised there is no need to panic. It appears that last nights clean up was a random one off. Whew!! Today she sat down for dinner and looked at the soggy cereal in her spot and exclaimed “EWWWWW, what it THAT??” As she pushed the bowl towards me, I simply said “Why that looks like your breakfast my love” and I walked away. She is no longer my favourite…the dog is, at least he is doing dishes. I fear my sweet Olivia is actually happy with her current surroundings. I blame this on any genetic material shared with my sister. Dylan may snap before me. That is what I call 13 years of training well spent. For those of you who know me well, this is testing all my Type A personality has to offer. But I smiled as I washed my one mug, one glass, one plate and one fork and hid them away for me to use tomorrow. I must confess that I cradled the pinsesol bottle lovingly in my arms for a brief moment and then wiped a small inconspicuous spot on the counter. Then I picked up my purse, drove to the Liquor Depot (it looks like I may need more ‘lunch bags’) and then went and got my nails done. They look so lovely, if I do say so myself.