911…What is your emergency?

There has been a murder. Please send help stat! Lights and sirens. Starting CPR now. Never mind, it’s too late.

The plant is dead.

If you are not familiar of my history with plants, all you need to know is I kill them. I have told you all about my incessant need to take care of things and my need to nurture; and my failures with anything from the plant family.

Well, I have killed the plant that has graced the corner of my kitchen for 10 years. It was time. She was pathetic and I was done trying. I can no longer pretend to be someone I am not. It was all a facade people.

It was a peaceful plantanasia. No it wasn’t, she was suffering for 10 years

I said a few kind words about her as I took her into the garage for her final moments. I thanked her for all her hard work at photosynthesis and her oxygen. I may cremate her and spread her ashes at the mall. That’s what she would have wanted.

Dylan asked me if she had a name. She did, but I couldn’t remember it. Great, I forgot to water her AND I forgot her name. I didn’t deserve her love.

In her spot there is a giant new wooden giraffe. The giraffe does not replace the plant; rather he fills a hole, both in my heart and in the corner of the kitchen. Literarily, there was an empty space in my décor. It was tacky. Ok, maybe the giraffe did replace her after all.

He doesn’t require water or food, so he should fare well here.

I had to tell Dylan it wasn’t my fault, he followed me home. I was shopping and he just kept staring at me with those lonely eyes. I swear they were following me around the store…it was pathetic, creepy and awkward all at once.

Plus, he was on sale. It was like being at the wooden animal shelter and he had a sign on him “24 hours to live”.

I saved him!!

The sales lady asked if I wanted a new one in a box. Umm, no!! I had bonded with THIS giraffe. I stroked his long beautiful neck and saw where others had examined him, left their marks of unwantedness and I chose him. 

Rather he chose me.

Then I thought, what the hell lady? You go let those giraffes out of those boxes in the backroom. They are probably suffocating. Asshole!!

As the sales lady was looking at me all judgy, I stared into his eyes and told him it was ok. He had his forever home and he was safe from the monsters in their deceiving little Pier One aprons.

I felt bad that I had to put a bag over his head to get him in the car. I made the girls hold the plastic open to ensure he had enough air. He had just been through so much already.

He now sits in the kitchen corner where the plant once stood. Life and death represented in one small corner.

Plus he wore a Santa hat for Christmas and that’s fricken awesome.

The giraffes name is Danny.

Most of you know why. For those of you that don’t; The Today Show called my husband Dylan  ‘Danny’ on live TV. I took everything in me not to pee my pants laughing on national television.

Dylan was referred to as ‘Danny’ by a lot of people around here for a while.

As I was chatting with staring at Danny the giraffe last night, I began thinking about New Years Resolutions. Danny makes me want to be a better person.

1)   I will not buy any more plants. I will stop trying and I will accept my plant killing soul as a part of me.

2)   I will drink less red wine.

3)   I will drink more white wine.

4)   I will not rescue anymore large wooden animals. Unless it’s a T-Rex. Then all bets are off.

While chatting about resolutions, Dylan suggested ‘Danny’ and I should have lot more sex in 2013.

I called him a pervert. That’s offside man, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Danny looked traumatized, and I didn’t blame him. I covered his ears and gave him a hug.

I have now created a therapy pot for the giraffe. Way to go Dylan. That smart-ass comment just costs us like 4 bottle of wine a week.

Poor Danny.

Wishing a happy and safe New Year to you and your family, from my family and Danny!!

Danny is gonna own 2013!!! I can feel it!

xoJ

PS…You should click the Facebook button to your right. It’s what all the cool kids are doing. I’m here to help ensure your ‘coolness’.

Your welcome.

R.I.P

Welcome Home Danny. Welcome Home.